KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Old conflicts have now started to reappear

Dear Annie: My cousin, "Steve," is a homosexual. He is very nice and compassionate, but lives far away, and we see him only once or twice a year.
My brother never had a good relationship with Steve, and the old conflicts have now started to reappear. At a recent family gathering, my niece told my daughter that Steve was a "bad man" because he's gay and not to be nice to him or "you could catch the disease."
I was shocked to hear these cruel statements coming from such an innocent child's mouth, until I learned that my brother had been teaching her these things. I'm horrified that this has been going on, but reluctant to start yet another conflict. What should I do? Tolerant Cousin
Dear Cousin: Shame on your brother for deliberately reinforcing ignorance in his own child and teaching her to be intolerant. Make sure your own children are better informed, and if your niece should say any of these things in your presence, feel free to correct her misimpressions. Unfortunately, unless you are willing to get into a fight with your brother, you cannot otherwise tell him how to raise his child.
Dear Annie: I have been happily married for over 20 years to a wonderful man who is 10 years younger. The age difference has never been an issue until recently, when my husband decided to wash the years out of his hair. The distinguished and very attractive gray is completely gone. He looks quite youthful, and now our age difference is very noticeable.
All these years I have tried to look my best in a wholesome way -- healthy lifestyle, practical makeup and a positive attitude. This latest development makes me feel old. My husband refuses to take my concerns seriously. He laughingly says it's his hair, his body, his choice and it's no big deal.
My annoyance is now turning to frustration and obsession. Should I be considering plastic surgery? The Older Wife
Dear Older Wife: Do you have reason to suspect your husband's new look is a sign of dissatisfaction with you or an effort to make himself more attractive to younger women? If so, plastic surgery isn't going to fix it, and if not, it is a drastic step to take because you are feeling insecure.
If the situation were reversed, would you consider it a problem? Probably not. Unless you believe something else is going on, please don't turn this into "Extreme Makeover." Remember, the most important thing is a youthful attitude. Talk to your husband about your fears so he can reassure you, and consider updating your makeup and hair. Sometimes a little change can make a big difference.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Modesto Mom," whose daughter turned in the wrong textbook and was fined. I disagree that she's learned any lessons from this. Why did the mother, and not the daughter, write a letter to the principal? Why did the mother pay the fee and not the daughter? Why is Mom taking time off work to look through the 500 books and not the daughter? You get my drift.
The only lesson this daughter learned is that her mother will always bail her out if she gets in trouble. Trying to Teach My Kids Personal Responsibility in Arizona
Dear Ariz.: Yes and no. A letter to the principal from a parent has more clout than one from a student, and we assume Mom paid the fee because her daughter was unable to do so. Also, Mom obviously doesn't want her daughter to take time away from school to search through books. And please keep in mind that the daughter did return the book she thought was hers. It was her locker mate, "Renee," who was irresponsible and should have offered to pay at least half the cost.
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