KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox If ultimatum didn't work, he's likely trying to hide something

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. During this time, he has had a series of what I term "inappropriate relationships" with women. He seems to have some deep need to rescue them. Although I thought his time would have been better spent with his family, I never believed anything sexual was going on.
Last fall, I went to the gynecologist and was horrified to learn I had a genital wart. It was surgically removed, and there have been no symptoms since. I have never slept with anyone but my husband. He swore up and down that he hadn't either, but he refused to go to the doctor. I gave him an ultimatum -- get tested, give me some explanation or no sex. A year later, we're still at an impasse.
I can't believe my husband would lie to me about something so important, although I know he has lied to me about other things. We may be headed for divorce, and I feel like no other man will ever want me now. It's so depressing. Is it possible to carry this sexually transmitted disease for years without having symptoms? My doctor thinks my husband is lying. What do you think? I don't know whom to believe. Diseased in North Carolina
Dear N.C.: It's true that this virus often has no symptoms, especially in men, and can remain dormant for a long time. (For more information, contact the American Social Health Assn., P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C. 27709, ashastd.org.) However, that doesn't mean your husband is telling you the truth. Any man who'd rather give up sex for a year than be tested is likely trying to hide something. It's time to see a marriage counselor and get to the bottom of this.
Dear Annie: I have been married for 20 years and have three teenagers. My problem is I hate holidays because my husband never acknowledges any of them. Every Christmas, I did all the shopping, wrapping, etc., but he always gave the credit to Santa, which the kids assumed meant Daddy.
From the time my children were little, my husband never helped or encouraged them to get me a Mother's Day card, present or even a dandelion from the front lawn. I always made sure our children showed their appreciation on Father's Day, but he never returned the favor. Our anniversary comes and goes.
Christmas is coming again, and I can't handle it. I go to therapy, but he's not interested. I do love this man, and he tells me he is very comfortable in our relationship, but I'm not sure what that means. I'm losing it. Need Help in Connecticut
Dear Conn.: Your husband is one of those men who never was taught the importance of acknowledging special occasions. His father is probably the same way. If it's so important that he give you a Christmas present, tell him exactly what you want and remind him. Or get something for yourself, put his name on the card, and gush with appreciation when you open it. After 20 years, you should accept this part of his personality and let it go. It's not worth a wrecked marriage, honey.
Dear Annie: I had a dinner party with several couples and set out a platter of veggies and dip. To everyone's horror, one couple kept double-dipping their veggies. How can some people not know that you're not supposed to put food in your mouth and then back into the dip? Everyone else backed away from the food.
Would it have been wrong to point out their faux pas to them? Montreal, Quebec
Dear Montreal: Yum. Double-dipping is a good way to transmit germs, and spoons should be provided so people can dish some dip onto their plates. If a guest "forgets" to do so, say, "Oh, I must have forgotten to put out a spoon for the dip. I'll just whisk this away and bring a fresh container."
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