Beer in the Vatican? No joke

Years ago, I heard the Vatican merchandised a bath soap called, & quot;Pope on a Rope. & quot;
This was, I hope, a complete and utter joke. (And besides, haven't the Catholics been bashed enough in recent years?)
But just last Friday, my entire clan -- husband John; daughter Hannah, 17; and son Josh, 19 -- returned from 13 days in Rome, Italy. About the third day of their trip, I called and got this news: & quot;Dad had a beer in the snack bar in the Vatican. & quot;
THAT was NOT a joke.
The first question everyone asks me is, & quot;Why didn't you go?" I simply point at my back and reply, & quot;Nine hours in a plane? I don't think so. & quot;
But, with 6-cents-a-minute international long distance, Rome was a phone call away. If I called their hotel at 4 p.m. exactly (10 p.m. Italian time), and said, "Ciao! John Murphy, per favore, & quot; I enjoyed a vicarious trip.
All the details
Each call was punctuated by background laughter and voices urging, & quot;Tell her about the ..." These are snatches I wrote down the third evening of their trip.
John: If Hannah had her way, we'd wake up late and tour Rome from 1 to 2, then be done. It's hell to get them out of bed. If I had my way, I'd have them up by 8 a.m. ...
Josh: The Vatican was amazing, everything was so opulent. What's another word? Opulent. That's all I can think to say. Carvings and artworks and gold. To get to the Sistine Chapel, you had to be herded through four miles, literally, of hallways and rooms and each one was as opulent as the other. By the time we got to the Sistine Chapel, it was like, & quot;So what? It's hardly more impressive than the rest." You weren't allowed to take photos, but everyone was, so we snuck a couple.
John: I've been to the Louvre, and you ain't seen nothing until you've seen the Vatican ... Was it today we saw the dog? Yeah, it was. We were in the courtyard of the Vatican, the one they always show where the pope talks. And someone brought their dog with them. It was very well-behaved, and I looked at Josh and said, "If Mom were here she would have said, "Darn it, see? Zeke could have come!" (Zeke is our ill-behaved dog.)
Hannah: No one here has any personal space. They stand right on top of you. When I went to the bathroom in the Vatican, there was a line and this Asian girl stood with the inside of her right foot on the inside of my left foot! [roaring with laughter] She had her purse on my back!
The metro is packed, person to person. They stare us in the eye; it's so weird. Everyone is always staring at us ... It was so hot, shoulder to shoulder, no air conditioning. We were going along underground and all of a sudden, the subway stops. This guy starts freaking out, and, with a British accent, screams, "Someone stole our passport. Someone pickpocketed us! My wife's passport is gone!" He flips out. He and his wife are yelling. They had pulled the emergency stop. People are trying to calm them down, but they keep yelling.
I was getting nervous a fight was going to break out, so we got off right there. The police came --
Josh: They're like cool high school kids.
Hannah: You know the kids who park their cars at Boardman Plaza with neon and stand and smoke and talk? The police do that -- no, they don't have neon under their cars, but they stand around and chat with each other. A car is going 80 mph, and they don't even care. And they're young.
Josh: And people here are all on the honor system ...
Hannah: There is this slot on the buses which you are supposed to run your ticket through, but you don't have to. And no one does. You don't have to go through the front door or by the bus driver. They don't take them on the metro either.
John: We buy them anyway; am I going to end up in a Roman jail for want of a euro?
Hannah: A lot of people are begging, but you know they're fake. [Josh in the background: They're clean and pressed] And they have on Adidas.
But, you're probably wondering what they thought of the food: The pizza is thin-crusted and served in paper "like an ice cream cone." The gnocchi is to die for.
Next time, maybe you and I can go in person. Ciao!
murphy@vindy.com