Let the, uh, Games begin

If this column rambles a little, please forgive me. I'm still trying to calm down from the sheer giddiness I experienced watching the Germany-Cuba volleyball showdown Saturday morning.
Then I flipped through the channels and discovered the Playboy Channel ... oh, wait, that's the beach volleyball competition. For a second there I thought I was going to have to turn down the sound and draw the shades.
And I'm glad I stayed with the broadcast for awhile, or else I would have missed such insightful commentary as this:
"I'm a little surprised at the choice of glasses that Holly has on. Elaine is wearing the clear goggles but Holly has on the darker shade."
I'm not sure who the commentator was; I'm just thankful she wasn't giving me updates on Hurricane Charley over on The Weather Channel.
"Thanks for the report from Daytona Beach, Jane. It's really sad to hear about that trailer park being destroyed, but let me take a moment to compliment you on that stunning rainsuit ensemble you're wearing."
Windy
To be fair, it's got to be difficult being a commentator for some of these Olympic sports. Heck, anybody can do a basketball game or boxing; I pity the poor schmuck who drew the sailing competition.
"That's a great piece of seamanship there, Bob. That crew did a great job of adjusting the headsails so the boat didn't hogg."
I would imagine commentating on sailing is a little like a NASCAR race -- you're just waiting for the big wreck to wake up everybody.
"BP, the U.S. boat got underneath the fantail on the Australians there and caused them to get loose and that pushed them right into the oncoming traffic. There's some major damage to the left side and they're gonna have a lot of work to do in the pits."
I'll admit I'm not familiar with some of the technical terms in a lot of these sports but even some of the competitions have had me stuttering -- for instance, the men's single-handed dinghy finn. I think I ordered a dinghy finn once at a bar near my college campus.
Ribbon is a sport?
I'm not even sure some of these sports are, well, sports. When Jim McKay, on the Wide World of Sports, uttered the words "the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat" I'd be surprised to learn he was thinking of rhythmic gymnastics.
The events that make up rhythmic gymnastics are Rope, Hoop, Ball, Clubs and Ribbon, which seem a lot like the activities my kids participated in at pre-school. Then again, they never mastered them to the extent that it got them a free trip to Greece, so who am I to dismiss it.
The other sport that intrigues me is equestrian, but only because I think the whole concept is really unfair -- the horse does all the work, but it's the riders who get the medals. But, if the rider falls off, they blame the animal.
I just hope they've got the equestrian competition far enough away from the archery and shooting venues. Otherwise, a few of those wacky gunslingers may decide to go for some bonus points.
The track and field competition doesn't begin until Wednesday, which leaves a few days for the athletes to get juiced up ... I mean psyched up, for the events.
Usually, the winner of each race takes a victory lap. This year, they're taking a victory urine sample.
But, you might be surprised that the United States Olympic Committee is not very nervous about the chance that the fastest and strongest American athletes could be ruled ineligible.
In fact, they're happy that a bunch of cheating, lying athletes have finally taken the spotlight off of them, a bunch of cheating, lying ex-athletes.
It should make for must-see TV -- all the sex, drugs and rock 'n roll of the Playboy Channel without having to squint through the squiggly lines on the screen.
XRob Todor is sports editor of The Vindicator. Write to him at todor@vindy.com.