KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Boyfriend's mother is serving as an enabler for his alcoholism

Dear Annie: I have an issue with my live-in boyfriend's mother. "Brett's" mom comes for dinner once a week. That's fine, but Brett was arrested for his third DUI last summer, and now he has no driver's license. Tonight, after dinner, his mother took him to the store to buy wine and a six-pack of beer. This isn't the first time. She once came over at 11 p.m., in her pajamas, to drop him off at a bar.
Brett is on probation for two years and isn't supposed to be drinking at all. He takes advantage of his mother, and she lets him. Yet she repeatedly calls me and complains that she wishes he would grow up. I am not sure if she is an enabler or if she simply cannot say no to him. What can I do? No Booze in Michigan
Dear Booze: Are you willing to call the police and notify them that Brett is violating his probation? Can you talk to his mother, firmly, and inform her that she is enabling her son's drinking and crippling his chances for a decent life?
If these possibilities are not something you are willing or able to do, look in your phone book for Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) for help in dealing with this.
Dear Annie: You blew it in your response to "Philly," who wanted out of his loveless and unhappy marriage, but worried about his 10-year-old child. You recommended counseling, but also said children are "remarkably resilient and could adjust" to divorce. As a former teacher, I have seen too many kids unable to adjust when they are bounced between homes. Divorce hurts children. Mom in Minnesota
Dear Mom: Divorce is never the preferred option, but children who are kept hostage in unhappy marriages can be just as miserable. Of course, divorced parents must put the children's welfare first, and this makes the difference in how well they adjust. Read on for more:
From PIttsburgh: "Philly" said his wife, "Lorraine," is interested only in her job and housework, that she reads nothing and has no hobbies, and shows no interest in their daughter's academic progress or extracurricular activities. Lorraine sounds like a mental midget, and no amount of counseling will help. He should contact a divorce lawyer and document his wife's indifference to their daughter's education. This information may be useful during the custody hearings.
California: "Philly" needs to grow up and quit thinking the world revolves below his belt line. Maybe if he stopped cheating, he would rediscover the woman he married. When he cheats on his wife he also is cheating on his daughter, because adultery takes him away from time he should spend with his child.
Midwest: I was terribly unhappy after 23 years of marriage, but thought it was best for my son if I stayed. When I could no longer take the emotional abuse, I left. One week later, I had a massive coronary. My wife came to the ICU screaming, "Why didn't you die!" A year after our divorce, I met the most wonderful lady, and we are very happy. As for my son, I haven't seen him in over three years. His mother refused to allow him to associate with me, and he chose to side with her. "Philly" should get out now. The longer he stays, the harder the breakup will be.
Anchorage: What is this couple teaching their daughter? That a loveless marriage is normal, that men cheat on their wives, that wives should put up with it, and that ignoring a diseased relationship is an appropriate way to deal with it. Counseling is the honorable thing to do, as you suggested, not only for him, but for his daughter, to help her interpret her emotional world in an appropriate light.
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