KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox She wonders about warning of impending death

Dear Annie: Should I warn my grandchildren that my 81-year-old mother, their great-grandmother, is likely to die soon, and quite suddenly?
Mom has a huge abdominal aortic aneurysm that could burst at any moment. Because she is a high-risk surgical candidate and the surgery would be difficult, Mom has elected not to undergo the operation.
Three of my grandchildren, ages 16, 13 and 8, live with me. I would like them to be forewarned, but I don't want them to look oddly at my mother when we visit or treat her like an invalid, which they might. Also, the 8-year-old girl is very dependent on me emotionally, and I know I will go to pieces when Mom dies. I don't want to frighten the child, but I want the freedom to grieve. A person can only be so strong. I need some advice quickly. To Tell or Not
Dear Tell: You can certainly inform your grandchildren that your mother is ill and that you are worried about her health. They may be overly solicitous at first, but that's OK. Let them see her often, and they will treat her as they always have.
Please consider grief counseling, now, to help prepare you for your mother's death. You also might want to enlist some help in caring for the children until you feel more able to do so. If the 8-year-old becomes traumatized by your reaction, talk to the pediatrician about appropriate grief counseling for her as well.
Dear Annie: My boyfriend is a graduate student and occasionally likes to participate in medical trials. While I value the scientific progress that is made through such tests, I don't want my boyfriend being a subject. Tests monitoring the effects of diet and exercise are fine, but the more invasive ones bother me, such as test vaccinations or drug trials that require him to stay in the hospital overnight.
I am concerned about whether these experiments may adversely affect his health and damage his body. I'm also afraid that if we were to be married, it may affect his longevity or even his fertility.
Am I wrong to ask him not to participate in these studies? He doesn't care about the money they offer. He just likes "helping out." Concerned in Tennessee
Dear Concerned: There are uncertainties related to participating in any medical trial. While most such tests screen out known risks, it is not possible to know for sure if your boyfriend will be negatively affected.
Your boyfriend sounds altruistic, but he needs to be careful about the trials he selects and how often he participates. He should take your feelings into consideration, but the choice to do this belongs to him and not to you.
Dear Annie: This is for "Still Grieving in Louisville, Ky.," whose husband died over a year ago and whose in-laws resented her new relationship. They removed all the flowers and pictures she had placed at her late husband's gravesite.
When my father died, we made a "memory garden" near the back deck at my parents' home. We have his favorite flowers, shrubs, bird feeders, a bench, rocks and other items that remind us of him. This is a small but very comforting area, and I feel closer to him there than at the cemetery.
There are many ways to express grief, but there is no reason she cannot make her own memorial. It can be her garden of healing. Memory Garden in Michigan
Dear Michigan: We appreciate your compassionate suggestion. Other readers suggested planting a tree as a memorial. Our thanks to all who wrote.
Annie's Snippet for April 15: Taxes are the price we pay for civilized society. Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
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