JOHN ROSEMOND | Parenting Child's toy obsession nothing to worry about

Q. Our 23-month-old son -- our first child -- has developed an attachment to a matchbox-size train. He has not let go of it for a month. It keeps him from doing things like throwing a ball, drawing and playing with other toys. If he drops it or can't find it in his crib at night, he is hysterical. Is it all right to let him have such an attachment? If not, how do we take it away?
A. It is not at all unusual for toddlers to develop intense attachments to objects of one sort or another; furthermore, these attachments neither represent nor pose a problem. Favorite blankets and the like that toddlers will not part with are called "transitional objects" and seem to provide some sense of security as the young child is becoming less dependent on his parents, his mother in particular.
You obviously feel that your son's "obsession" may ultimately prove to be a hindrance to his overall development. Let me assure you that a 23-month-old who does not want to color or throw a ball for fear that his toy train will disappear is not at developmental risk. Parents do not have to orchestrate a schedule of "developmentally stimulating" activities for a child to develop appropriate skills on time. If one simply allows a toddler plenty of creative play time (unhindered by television watching), the child will see to his own development quite nicely.
It may well be that you are unwittingly communicating a good amount of anxiety to your son (over-organizing his time is one way of doing so), and that this attachment is one way for him to provide some constancy for himself in a world that mommy is making just a tad bit hectic and confusing.
In any case, this is nothing to worry about. It will not result in developmental delays. And in case you're worrying that perhaps he will dash your dreams and want to become a train engineer, highly scientific studies have shown that only one of 10,000 toddlers who develop attachments to toy trains grow up to work on the railroad.
Priorities
Q. My 9-year-old son is a child of divorce, now two years old. Dad is big into sports, and has him enrolled in at least one every season. Our son is having major problems in school, none of which are due to a lack of ability. When he doesn't "like" the assignment, he refuses to do it.
His behavior is also becoming more of a problem. He is seeing the school counselor who tells me that he has lingering anxiety over the divorce, which I think is pure psychobabble. I've decided to keep him out of participation in sports unless his grades for the week are good. His dad is furious with me. He feels that I shouldn't take sports away because they teach discipline and build self-esteem. What do you think?
A. First, I agree with you that your son's school problems are not caused by "lingering anxiety over the divorce." Furthermore, by constructing this sort of pseudo-psychological excuse, the counselor in question is unwittingly enabling your son's misbehavior and underachievement.
On the matter of keeping your son out of sports if he doesn't behave in class and do his work on a weekly basis, I think you're doing the right thing, which is nothing more than a variation on what I call "Grandma's Rule": When you do what you are supposed to do, then you can do what you want to do.
I agree with the father that sports are a good thing ... that they develop discipline, self-confidence, etc. However, I also believe in first things first. Obviously, your son's education is more important than soccer, baseball or football. I look at it this way: Your son hasn't developed the discipline he needs to participate in sports. When he is ready to demonstrate that discipline, he can participate again.
Don't expect Dad to agree, and I would bet that you won't be able to reason with him. Just stay the course and ignore his protests. If he won' t be a "Stand Up Dad," then it's up to you to be a "Stand Up Mom."
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 E. 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his Web site: www.rosemond.com/.