MOVIE REVIEW 'Ten Yards' comes up a mile short

'Ten Yards' loses the madcap tone of the original.
By MILAN PAURICH
VINDICATOR CORRESPONDENT
Inflation hasn't increased the number of laughs in "The Whole Ten Yards," the long-delayed, almost completely unnecessary sequel to "The Whole Nine Yards."
I gave the zany and inventive "Nine Yards" a three-and-a-half-star rating four years ago. This considerably less amusing spinoff barely merits two. You do the math.
Like most pointless follow-ups, "Ten Yards" dutifully trots out the original film's core cast (Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry, Amanda Peet, Natasha Henstridge, Kevin Pollak) but seems to have forgotten what made them unique and funny in the first place. Replacing classy director Jonathan Lynn ("My Cousin Vinny") with the underachieving Howard Deutch ("Grumpier Old Men") probably has something to do with "Ten" losing the madcap tone, antic pace and go-for-broke spontaneity that made "Nine" such a hoot. What seemed effortless now just feels strained and borderline desperate.
The labored flashback that opens the movie gets things off to a wobbly start from which the film never truly recovers.
The plot
Retired contract killer Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski (Willis) is now living in Mexico with Oz's former dental assistant, Jill (Peet). While Jimmy tries playing househusband, Jill -- who always dreamed of becoming a professional assassin -- is out in the field attempting to bring home the bacon.
It's not a comfortable fit. Jimmy can't quite get a handle on this "Mr. Mom" thing, and Jill is all thumbs in her new line of work.
Back in LA, Oz (Perry) and his new bride Cynthia (Henstridge) are preparing to have their first child. Nervous nelly Oz's usual paranoia reaches epidemic proportions when news filters out that Hungarian mob boss Laszlo Gogolak (Pollak) has been released from prison. Since Oz and Jimmy iced the dapper don's favorite son, both are on his payback hit list. Recruited to help with the vendetta is Strabo (Frank Collinson), Laszlo's dorky chip off the old block.
Triple- and even quadruple-crosses ensue, none of them particularly hilarious or even vaguely comprehensible. When Oz finally blurts out, "I've never been more confused in my entire life," I felt his pain.
Collinson's Strabo is the most entertaining new character; too bad screenwriter George Gallo ("Midnight Run") doesn't give him more to do.
Who shines
Perry and Peet, the brightest stars of "Nine Yards," are dependably fine, although Perry has better material to work with. Oz's fussbudget nature comes naturally to Perry -- he'd make a great Felix in a remake of "The Odd Couple" -- and, once again, the soon-to-be-former Chandler Bing earns the heartiest chuckles. Peet is handicapped by having to play most of her scenes opposite Willis, who seems bored and distracted. (Or maybe he's too busy thinking about reprising his more popular John McClane character in "Die Hard 4.")
The talented Pollak overacts shamelessly, and isn't helped by some truly awful aging make-up that makes Laszlo look like a bowl of plastic fruit.
Considering the whole sloppy-seconds vibe of this "thanks-but-no-thanks" outing, chances of there being a "Whole Eleven Yards" somewhere down the road seem remote at best.
XWrite Milan Paurich at milanpaurich@aol.com.