SURVEY Parents don't always know how kids behave

Does perception always equal reality?
By MARY ELLEN PELLEGRINI
VINDICATOR CORRESPONDENT
A recent survey in Parent's Magazine found that 70 percent of parents believe their children are better behaved than other children. This assertion begs the question: If most parents rate their children's behavior as superior, where do the less disciplined children come from? An alien planet?
Are the majority of earthly children truly self-controlled? Are the majority of parents wearing rose-colored glasses? Or does the truth lie somewhere in the murky middle?
Because the survey lacks an unbiased assessment of the children in question, "these parents may be right," stated Dr. Harvey Kayne, clinical director of D & amp;E Counseling Center in Youngstown. "Their children may in fact be better behaved. In which case we have parents who are knowledgeable and accurate," he continued.
Of course, "for some folks, behavior that is outrageous to you and I may be acceptable within that family unit," said Kayne. "Some small percentage of that 70 percent may believe their children are better behaved and their children are one step away from a juvenile detention facility," he added.
Community monitoring
In the past, a community monitoring network (the next-door neighbor, your best friend's aunt) alerted grateful parents who then corrected delinquent behaviors. "For the most part today, you don't have that level of reporting which really helped keep kids in line," Kayne noted.
Teachers, librarians, bus drivers and youth group leaders who see children away from their parents acknowledge the occasional disparity between parents' assumptions and actual behavior. Confidentiality, however, prevents professionals from commenting on specifics.
"Parents' perception is not the same as reality. Some folks say their kids are fine because they don't have any information to the contrary. They're not with their children enough to see a wide range of behaviors. They don't know how their children are socializing, how they're interacting with older or younger children, how they're behaving at the bus stop," said Kayne.
Mike Shargo, transportation supervisor for Niles City Schools, has observed behavior patterns for the past 30 years. "Kids act totally different with their peer group than they do when their parents are around. They're more relaxed, get caught up in goofy kids' stuff," he said.
Disregard for consequences
Overall, "I don't think kids are much worse today except they don't have the fear they used to. They're not afraid of getting in trouble," Shargo stated. The supervisor believes this disregard for consequences stems from the escalating trend of parents defending their children for minor infractions.
When parents are notified of misbehavior, "they say 'that can't be taking place,'" said Shargo. However, cameras now present in many school buses provide a reality check for the adults. "Most parents take action when they see the videotape," noted Shargo.
Realistic appraisal
Which brings us back to Kayne's point about knowing your child. A realistic appraisal requires "interactions and observations to become attuned to children's behavior," he said.
Kayne recommends that parents play, discipline, do family chores, read and talk with their children. Outside the home, communicate with the school and attend activities. But not just to videotape the child's wonderful performance.
"Take a couple minutes after the game to talk with the coach about your child's attitude, how he cooperates with adults, how he gets along with his peers," Kayne advised. "It takes a little extra time but that's how you learn about your child," he concluded.
The additional knowledge may or may not alter the results of the next behavior survey.