Don't be a prisoner of the past

By JEFF HERRING
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
"We are products of our past but we don't have to be prisoners of it," according to Rick Warren, author of "The Purpose Driven Life."
I've worked with hundreds of people who seem to be prisoners of their past. At least they believe they are, and that is almost all it takes. In addition to believing you are a prisoner of your past, here are some other necessary ingredients for remaining a prisoner.
How to be a prisoner
UBelieve that the past defines who you are, and your worth, for the rest of your life.
URemain unwilling to get any help with your past, either out of fear or just plain stubbornness
UIf you do get help, make sure you talk only about the past, and not what to do about it.
UStay focused on the past by replaying it over and over in your mind.
UUse your past as an excuse for shortcomings.
In order to be released from the prison of the past, it's necessary for us to do two very important things with the past: Make a place for it, and put it in its place.
Make a place for past
Making a place for the past means to acknowledge it, put it in a proper context and make sense out of how it is affecting you now.
People come in with the question, "I've got a fairly decent life, and there are lots of people worse off than I am. So how can I be feeling the way I do?" After hearing their story, I often respond with "From what you have told me, how could you not be feeling the way you are? And besides, if you have a broken thumb and I have a broken leg, my injury may be more severe, but your thumb still hurts like crazy."
Put the past in its place
Do you know where the past belongs? The past belongs in the past, behind you. In order to put the past in its place, you need to adopt two core beliefs:
UThe past does not have to equal the future.
UWhat happens to us in life is not as important as how we respond to it, what we do about it now.
With those two beliefs installed, it's time to do something about those prison walls. For most people, the walls of their prison are covered with lies about themselves, their past, their present and their future. Some lies that may sound familiar are "You will never get over it" or "You missed your chance."
The fact is, all these beliefs about yourself are wrong. They are lies. Now it is time to stop believing the lies. Even the biggest and most obvious lies can begin to look like truth if they are told over and over again. It is time to challenge, debate and even make fun of the lies. You will be surprised how easily some of these lies can be torn down as you challenge them.
You can then begin to put up some truth. What's the opposite of the lies you have believed? What do those who love you believe about you? What does your religion tell you about who you are?
XJeff Herring is a marriage and family therapist. E-mail him at jeffherring@mail.com or visit his Web site at jeffherring.com.