KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Freeloading uncle is causing them problems

Dear Annie: I have a problem with my husband, "Earl," and his 60-year-old "Uncle Joe." Joe moved in with us four months ago and has been freeloading ever since. He had a job at the local supermarket but quit after two days. Then he worked briefly for a cab company but claimed it wasn't worth the effort. Joe lives with us for free. He contributes nothing toward rent or food, and believe me, he eats plenty.
Earl has loaned money to Joe several times, and the man hasn't paid back a dime. My husband worships the ground his uncle walks on and will buy Joe whatever he wants, even though we are having terrible financial problems.
I am fed up. I threatened to leave, and Earl didn't care. No one else will take Uncle Joe. Even his own son disowned him. What can I do? Living with a Leech
Dear Living: Without your husband's support, it will be difficult to motivate Uncle Joe to contribute to the household. Can you at least get him to do the laundry, wash the dishes or cook dinner in exchange for living with you?
Either way, your husband's priorities need rearranging. Ask Earl to go with you to a marriage counselor. As usual, if he won't go, go without him.
Dear Annie: I am a gay man and just recently lost my partner of 16 years. I have been shocked at some of the comments I've heard since "Tom's" death. Here are two examples: "Now that you're not doing anything, will you fix my computer?" and "It must be easier for you since you weren't married."
The only reason we didn't marry was because we could not do so legally. The pain I'm suffering is no less than any other couple that has been together for 16 years. I've tried giving these people cold stares or saying, "Why would you think that?" but these clods don't seem to get the message. Any ideas? Grieving with Idiots
Dear Grieving: People often make insensitive remarks when someone has died. It can come from nervousness, denial, a desire to move along the grieving process or an attempt to minimize your pain. And, of course, there are those who don't understand the nature of your relationship and the depth of your mourning.
Simply tell these people, "I'm not ready to discuss this right now. I am still mourning the death of my partner, and when I'm up to it, I'll give you a call." Our condolences on your loss.
Dear Annie: In the last six months, I had surgery for lung cancer and went through a colonoscopy in which doctors found precancerous polyps. So far, I have been very lucky and the disease has not spread.
My problem is that I had a falling out with my sisters four years ago. During this medical nightmare, I realized how much I miss them. I sent them cards, hoping we could make peace with one another, although I don't want to give up my whole soul in the process. I only hope they will meet me halfway.
One sister has two children I was once close to, and it broke my heart when I no longer was allowed to see them. I am so afraid to ask if I can visit because they might turn me down. What should I do? Bridgeport, N.Y.
Dear N.Y.: You need to make a leap of faith. Phone your sisters, and tell them you are sorry for the part you played in what went wrong and you want to start over.
We are carrying on the tradition that April 2 be set aside as Reconciliation Day, a time to make the first move toward mending broken relationships. It also would be the day on which we all agree to accept the olive branch extended by a former friend or family member. If your sisters are reading this, we hope they will give you another chance to be part of their lives.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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