Revealing secrets of covering football

Greetings, class. Sorry I'm late. Has it been four weeks already? 'Sheesh.' I guess I lost track of time.
But I'm here and I'm ready to teach.
Today's lesson: How to write about high school football.
It's an important lesson, and, truth be told, some writers never really figure it out. They wander around in a fog, making football games sound like epic military engagements staged on storied battlefields while the readers' eyes glaze over.
Luckily, I've been handed a secret document that contains all the (previously) unwritten rules passed down through the ages. And you're never too old -- or young -- to learn them.
Ready? Let's begin.
Rules to remember
Rule No. 1: Football isn't war. Before you go overboard with the over-the-top military metaphors, remember that some things are so good they don't need embellishment. High school football is one of those things. Just tell the readers what happened, OK?
Of course, that involves using good judgment, which leads us to Rule No. 2: Never, ever imply that a team quit. In fact, if a team gives up 98 points in the first three quarters, then scores a late touchdown, you should praise them for not quitting. One of the best questions to ask a losing coach is, "Tough loss, but you have to be happy with how your team hung in there."
"But wait, Joe," you say. "That's a statement, not a question."
Exactly. Half the questions we ask aren't really questions. You just say names or phrases in a certain way.
For instance, say you want to ask, "Coach, since your guys really looked strong in the first half, then gave up the big lead and finally managed to pull it out in the fourth quarter; how were you able to regroup and squeak out the victory?"
The correct way to do this is to say, "Coach, uh, the fourth quarter?"
Scrappy is another way of saying, "not as talented as the other team." Any team that almost pulls a big upset is scrappy. And context is important. You could say that Cardinal Mooney was scrappy against Warren Harding last week, but the Cardinals probably can't be scrappy against anyone else.
Warren Harding, by the way, can never be scrappy.
A mediocre quarterback who pulls out a win is a "gamer."
Never say a coach made a bad call. Instead say, "questionable call."
Never say a team is one-dimensional. Even old-school coaches who run the ball 800 times a game will insist they can pass, they just don't need to.
Football coaches are notoriously bland, so it's always good to have a few "go-to" coaches that can give you good quotes about anything. Warren Harding's Thom McDaniels and Columbiana's Bob Spaite are the best in the area.
Outside the lines
It sounds silly, but people love to read about the stuff that goes on outside the game, too. But you must remember a couple quick rules.
Never, ever rip a band. Or bands in general. You can, however, rip band P.A. announcers, so long as you don't mention anyone specifically.
If you're going to make fun of cheerleaders (and I do), wait until basketball season. Fewer people care about basketball cheerleaders.
Don't rip concession stands. Bathrooms, however, are fair game. Sort of. You can complain about not having hot water, but you should never complain about how clean they are. Janitors shouldn't be held responsible for morons who can't flush a toilet or throw away paper towels.
One more thing: It never hurts to compliment the fans. They buy tickets and support the team. And, most importantly, they buy newspapers. But don't make it obvious. Fans are too smart to succumb to shameless praise.
On an entirely unrelated note, I think the Mahoning Valley has the best fans in the world.
XJoe Scalzo covers high school football for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.