MARRIAGE Therapists: Counseling is key to reconciling separated couples

Still, odds are that once a couple are separated, they won't reconcile.
By MARK WOLF
SCRIPPS HOWARD
Separated couples who work with a marriage counselor are most likely to reconcile, according therapists.
"The key is how motivated each person is to save the marriage," said Howard Markman, a professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the school's Center for Marital and Family Studies.
"Separations that are worked out in therapy often are successful. They've negotiated a separation and it's led to reunification or even happiness. All is not lost, especially if one or both of them want to make it work."
Markman and other therapists agree the odds are against most separations' ending in reconciliation.
"I don't know if any official body is measuring it," said David Popenoe, a sociology professor at Rutgers University and co-director of the National Marriage Project, a public policy research and analysis group whose aim is to strengthen marriage. "My recollection is the overwhelming number do lead to divorce rather than reconciliation."
Motivated couples
Marriage and family therapist Peter Poses said the couples he sees in therapy "obviously don't want to leave, if possible, any stone unturned, given the multiple loss involved on all levels.
"One of the challenges is they are always going to be their kids' parents. It behooves them to be able to separate the spousal conversation from the parental conversation to keep the children from being involved in the spousal conversation."
Michele Weiner-Davis, author of the best seller "Divorce Busting," said she considers separation a last resort.
"There are problems inherent in separation. When they separate, what they experience is a drop in the tension. Very often the person considering exiting the marriage looks at that situation and says, 'I told you this is better.' The truth is, it's better for a short time, but that's just unrealistic.
"You're more likely to want to move in the direction you have momentum going, begin to separate your lives physically, emotionally and spiritually, and the separation takes on a life of its own. I much prefer to get couples to work through the crisis period."