JOHN ROSEMOND | Parenting Kids need love, discipline and parents to work together

Q. I am the single mother of a 9-year-old boy. I feel like I'm a fairly good disciplinarian, but I occasionally ask my ex-husband, from whom I've been divorced for two years, to follow through on my discipline when our son's at his house. My ex recently informed me that he will no longer play the "heavy." He says that I should handle discipline problems that come up when our son is in my custody and he will do likewise when the reverse is true. I think we should work together where discipline is concerned. What do you think?
A. I think that for the most part you should each handle discipline problems that arise in your own homes and not hand these off to one another as your son goes from one home to another. I can envision exceptions to this general rule, however.
For example, if your son does something especially outrageous -- such as hitting you in a fit of pique -- his father would do well not to just support whatever discipline you levy, but to levy some of his own. This is a far cry from "playing the heavy." This is part and parcel of the responsibility of being a father. In this particular case, his father's stern disapproval and punishment would also help your son develop respect for women.
Unfortunately, many of today's dads, whether they live with their children or not, are striving to attain what is fast becoming the new ideal in American fatherhood: Be your child's buddy. The "buddy-dads" think discipline will cause their children to develop "negative associations" to them, or some such psychobabble. So, they hold back on discipline, not realizing that in trying to be "nice," they are failing in one of a father's primary responsibilities.
The fact is, children need love and discipline in equal measure. Without the complement of discipline, a father's (or a mother's) love is weak. Couple this with the fact that today's moms are playing the role of hyperactive servant in their children's lives and you have this outcome: In many a household, the children are being raised by a servant and a buddy. Unfortunately, a gaggle of children and a maid do not make for a family.
Working together
But I digress. Back to your son's discipline: Keep in mind that although you're no longer husband and wife, you are still his father and mother. Even though you don't live together, you should still work together as regards significant aspects of his upbringing. This is especially important when major parenting decisions need to be made, including major disciplinary decisions (note: not day-to-day, garden-variety disciplinary decisions).
The more your son sees the two of you working together, the more secure he will feel and the less chance there will be of his trying to work both sides of the fence.
When your son behaves in some especially disgraceful fashion, I suggest that instead of asking your ex-husband to simply follow through on your discipline during visitations, you ask him to join you in confronting your son concerning the problem. Arrange a time when the two of you can get together to discuss the situation, either face-to-face or over the phone. Once you've decided how you're going to handle the problem, arrange a second time when the two of you can sit down and confront your son.
Let him see that where discipline is concerned, the two of you are pretty much on the same page. This approach will provide you with the support and follow-through you will sometimes need from your ex-husband, but does not mark him as the "heavy."
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 E. 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, Ind. 46240 and at his Web site: http://www.rosemond.com/.