KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox She feels guilty about father-in-law's behavior

Dear Annie: When I was first married, my father-in-law made strong sexual advances to me, which I always rejected. I was shocked and saddened that he thought so little of me. For the sake of family peace, I never said a word about it to anyone, but the truth is, I hated him deep down.
Six months ago, my father-in-law died suddenly. He never asked me for forgiveness, and there was no closure. It was terrible at the funeral, hearing what a good man he was, when I knew full well the real person behind the facade.
Here is my problem: I feel guilty that I never said anything about my father-in-law's behavior. Should I tell my husband now, or just deal with it myself? My sister-in-law already dislikes me, and this would give her even more reason to hate me. She surely would accuse me of telling lies and, of course, say that my father-in-law isn't here to defend himself.
Any advice would be helpful. Hushed Up Back East
Dear Hushed Up: You have been a loving and thoughtful wife. Please don't create ill-will now, when it cannot possibly do any good. Your father-in-law was a cad, but it's too late to change his ways or get him to apologize. Your news will come across as mean-spirited and cruel, and will hurt only his widow and children. If you need to tell someone what Dad did, talk to your clergyperson or a therapist, but please don't destroy the family in an effort to make him pay posthumously.
Dear Annie: I will make this as short as possible. Two years ago, our second child was stillborn. After a year, we decided to try adopting. We went through all the steps and spent lots of money on the process. However, we have since changed our minds and decided that our lives are fine with only one child.
I'd like to send a letter to all of the people who helped us along the way and thank them, and also let them know of our decision not to adopt. However, I don't know how to say it. Saying, "We've changed our minds," or "We don't want to give up our freedom," sounds so selfish.
What words can I use to write this letter that won't make us sound like self-centered, self-indulgent people? Iowa Parents
Dear Iowa: You can say thanks without writing a novel. Simply write, "We appreciate all the effort you put forth on our behalf, but we have decided that our family is complete as is. Thank you so much for being there when we needed you."
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Why Me," whose in-laws constantly fight when they visit. She couldn't deal with the bickering and wanted it to stop. I hope you'll let me offer some pointers on how to deal with this problem.
The minute it starts -- the first snide remark, the first nasty tone of voice -- tell them you do not allow arguing, insults or rude behavior in your home, period. If they persist, tell them they will have to go to a motel. If they argue in public, walk away or go home. If they accuse you of disrespect or of trying to get rid of them, simply remind them that the choice is theirs and they are welcome to stay as long as they behave in an acceptable manner. Do not debate with them or let them intimidate you. Just stay calm and matter-of-fact.
My parents had to leave only once. After that, all it took was a reminder of my house rule. It was amazing how pleasant they could be when their antics were no longer tolerated. Wish I Got Smart Sooner
Dear Plenty Smart Now: What excellent advice! Thank you.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
Creators Syndicate