'101' REAL DUMB WARNING LABELS' Book shows stupidity in product cautions

Manufacturers use dumb messages to ward off product misuse and lawsuits.
By CAROLE GOLDBERG
HARTFORD COURANT
Warning! Reading this book may cause head-shaking, jaw-dropping and eye-rolling, as well as uncontrollable laughter.
The book in question has a title that may cause shortness of breath when read aloud: "Wearing of This Garment Does Not Enable You To Fly: 101 Real Dumb Warning Labels."
It's by Jeff Koon and Andy Powell, whose earlier "oeuvre" was "You May Not Tie an Alligator to a Fire Hydrant: 101 Dumb Laws," based on their Web site www.dumblaws.com, which they launched while in high school.
This slim volume from The Free Press ($12.95) continues the crusade by Koon and Powell, now college freshmen in Georgia, to point out some excruciatingly obvious -- OK, just plain dumb -- messages manufacturers use to ward off misuse and resulting lawsuits.
Thus Bono 527 Multi-Purpose Cement warns: "Exposure may result in confusion."
But its makers don't explain whether that confusion comes from inhaling the fumes or from trying to figure out how to repair a shattered bowl without permanently attaching the shards to your fingers. (The authors helpfully note that "anyone who sniffs glue is more than confused.")
We know why McDonald's coffee cups bear the warning: "Caution: HOT!" After all, Mickey D's got burned by a lawsuit after a customer got burned herself when she accidentally dumped a cuppa joe in her lap.
Other crazy cautions
But is it really necessary for the ChapStick Lip Moisturizer folks to admonish users to "keep out of eyes?" Yeah, and don't stick a mascara wand up your nose, either.
And we can only wonder who needs to be told that the 2-inch-diameter toilet cleaner tablets made by Bowl Fresh Automatic are "harmful if swallowed." Or that if you have a Weber Genesis Silver C Gas Grill, "do not use matches, lighters or flame to check for leaks." Or that Mack's Ear Seals "may interfere with breathing if caught in the windpipe."
But we can't quarrel with the caveat on Bear Mace: "May not work in all situations." That sounds like valuable information. And the Hormel Pepperoni warning -- "Do not eat packet" -- might well be necessary for fraternity guys, the authors say.
Guess they might have included their own warning: "Beware: After reading enough of these labels, some may start making sense."