Making the decision to marry

By BARTON GOLDSMITH
SCRIPPS HOWARD
The decision to marry is fraught with factors, including what our parents and friends have done, what we have read and our dreams; it also has a lot to do with our ages.
Love in your 20s is wonderful. You can talk and make love until dawn, then go to work the next morning. In addition, most people in their 20s don't feel the pressure of the biological clock. They mostly get that from their married peers or from their parents.
In your 30s, the "time to procreate" pressure builds exponentially. For women who have not yet had children, and for men who are unsure they want them, you can hear the clock ticking loudly. Marriage becomes less of a decision of the heart and more of an elimination contest.
For those of us in the "F" years, the decision is much more emotional, much more of a choice. We ask ourselves: "Is this a person I want to spent the rest of my life with? Can I imagine being without them? Will my family accept them?" We may also think, "Is this The One? What about my high-school crush? Could I do better?" What we fail to remind ourselves of is that we probably have done worse. At some point love, and definitely marriage, is a leap of faith. It's a risk and there's no getting around that. If you have come through tough times together and have been there for each other, that's a good sign.
More than love
Love is not the question; it's also not the answer. What is the answer? Being able to see that you're marrying a person with whom you can work through the inevitable turmoils that life hands you -- that's the answer.
How do you really know it's right? Many never really do. You base your decision to marry on your feelings, your partner's behaviors and your mutual desires. Then you take the leap of faith and choose to work on a life together.
Remember, no matter how wonderful things are at the moment, there will always be things to work out and on.
A good marriage requires that you enter it with your heart and eyes wide open. People change naturally as they age, so the more you understand about yourself and your partner's view of life, the easier the process will be. Trust your heart, but don't deny what it is that you know deep within yourself.
If you have questions, ask them. Difficult conversations are the foundation for lasting relationships. The reason most couples don't make it is because they are afraid to lovingly confront their partners with the questions that gnaw at them. Instead, they hold on to discomfort or emotionally move away so they don't have to feel.
Taking the leap to make your relationship permanent is a scary thing. It is wise to note here that anxiety and excitement feel the same in our bodies, so learn to tell the difference.
Making a marriage last requires give and take, and you can only take as much as you give. So roll up your sleeves and prepare to work on the best thing that could ever happen to you.
XBarton Goldsmith, Ph.D. has resided and practiced in Westlake Village for a decade. Contact him at Barton@EmotionalFitness.net.