ANNIE'S MAILBOX 'Cathy's' mother will leave her with anybody
Dear Annie: Two weeks ago, my mother-in-law brought my husband's 4-year-old niece, "Cathy," to our house. Mom could not find Cathy's mother, so she left the girl in our care. Since then, neither her mother nor her grandmother has come back for her. In fact, they haven't even called to make sure the girl is still alive.
Cathy's mother has left this poor child with anybody and everybody. The last time the girl came to my house, she had contracted lice from living with one of her mother's "friends." I care deeply for Cathy and do not want to give her back to those who have abandoned her. I am afraid where they might dump her next time.
I am the mother of four children under the age of 15. Including this little girl in my home is not a problem. My husband, however, complains about the extra food and clothes I have been buying. Naturally, he says nothing to his mother or sister about their abandonment of Cathy or how it affects us.
How can I keep the peace in the family and still keep Cathy safe? I do love this little girl as if she were my own. Losing it in California
Dear California: You are a compassionate soul. Have you called Cathy's mother and asked point-blank why she has not bothered to pick up her daughter?
If you truly want to keep this child on a permanent basis, you should discuss it with your husband first and then notify your sister-in-law. She might agree to it and make legal arrangements. Or you can allow Cathy to stay with you as you have been. Chances are, her mother will not bother to pick her up as long as you are willing to house her, although you have no legal standing if she decides to take Cathy away.
Another option, of course, is to call Child Protective Services. Cathy deserves to be in a stable, loving home. Will this cause a fuss at home? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. Please find the strength to do what's best for the child.
Dear Annie: My husband, "Ray," and I have been married for 15 years. Ray has two married children from his first marriage, and we have a son together.
Recently, Ray's ex-wife went through a second divorce. Because their oldest son and his family live with her, his children have determined that their mother should be included in all family events. The rest of Ray's family agrees, and now the ex is at all holiday meals, birthday parties and so on. I put up with this when the children were younger, but they are grown now. I do not wish to go through it again.
For my sake, Ray refuses to see or speak to his family as long as they continue to include his ex-wife. Why should we be responsible for curing this woman's loneliness? Can't she make a life that doesn't include my husband's family? Cast Aside in New York
Dear Cast Aside: Obviously, it would be nice if Ray's relatives did not include the ex-wife every time they had the family over. However, you cannot control what other people do. If you have a strong marriage, Ray's ex should not be a threat to you. Please try to do the magnanimous thing and be gracious to her. It will serve no purpose to promote a rift between Ray and his family. (P.S.: Have some of these family gatherings at your house, where you get to determine the guest list.)
Dear Annie: This may sound like a foolish question, but I would like to know. I was married to a wonderful lady for 65 years before she died. Is it proper to keep wearing my wedding band, or should I take it off? I'm 88 years old and not looking for a mate, just wondering what is the proper thing to do. Lonely in Flint, Mich.
Dear Flint: There is no "proper" amount of time to wear a wedding band after the death of a beloved spouse. You may continue wearing it as long as you wish.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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