HOME Parent vs. child: morning power struggles

Minimizing choices for your kids makes getting ready run more smoothly.
By JULIE MARSHALL
SCRIPPS HOWARD
The stark buzz of the alarm goes off at 6:15 a.m. A sleepy 12-year-old arises and nudges the lump of his brother under the covers.
Five minutes later, the 12-year-old twins are in the kitchen fetching a breakfast of cereal or toast. Their mom, Toni Williams, is making coffee and packing lunches.
"We have a great routine," Williams says. "It's all very quick, boom, boom, boom, lunches packed, teeth brushed and out the door by 7."
For Williams, a single working mom, having a plan in the morning has been critical to her sanity.
"There were times when we were all running late and we'd get upset with each other," she says. "It's really important to have structure and to stick to it."
Child-rearing experts agree.
The morning frenzy is a sore spot for most families, says Aricia LaFrance, a life coach who holds a master's degree in educational psychology from the University of Wisconsin.
"Even if you get up at 5 a.m., there still doesn't seem to be enough time to get it right," she says.
Five-point guide
LaFrance created a five-point guide to aid parents. First, keep it simple, she says.
"My 6-year-old can pack a lunch of bologna sandwich, apple, Capri sun and a cookie," she says. "You don't need to buy anything fancy."
And when it comes to the early morning power struggle with a child who wants to wear, say, a striped shirt with polka dot pants? Don't go there, LaFrance says. Stock the closet with clothes that match. In fact, encourage a child to wear the same jeans or whatever many days in a row.
The next important point is to be organized, LaFrance says. For instance, her boys, ages 13 and 7, always keep their backpacks under the bed so there's no treasure hunt in the morning.
Don't be afraid to let the kids take some control and pack their own lunch, LaFrance says. Plan ahead, too, to make sure there is always enough bread, fruit and drinks.
"You don't want to have a crisis in the morning when it's the end of the world if there's no bologna," she says.
Finally, it's also smart to stick extra shoes in the car, just in case, LaFrance says.
"When you are in a rush, you never know," she says. "One of my children arrived at school with no shoes."
Minimizing choices
The most difficult part will be getting into a new habit, LaFrance says.
Karen Alonge, also a life coach and mother of two, says she too is often asked for advice on how to make mornings easier.
"The biggest piece of advice is to minimize choices in the morning," she says. "Put the musical instrument by the door; get all the papers that need signatures the night before."
You can even set the table for breakfast, she says.
And make sure the kids know what you expect from them. Picture charts are a good tool to lead young ones.
"When my child was 3, I put up this picture of Barney [the purple dinosaur] brushing his teeth in the bathroom."
Alogne encourages parents to use the phrase "as soon as." For instance, "As soon as you brush your teeth, you can watch some TV."
That phrase removes the parent from the power struggle for the child who insists on TV in the morning, she says.
Love and logic
The concept of allowing a child to make choices that avoid power struggles falls in line with the child-rearing philosophy called Love & amp; Logic, says Stephanie Bryan, who teaches Love & amp; Logic classes in Boulder, Colo.
"If you have a child who won't get dressed in the morning, you can give them a choice by saying 'Would you like to go to school with your clothes on your body or in a bag?'"
Once you make being late the child's problem, not yours, and show them there are real consequences, a child will generally make smart choices, she says.
Say a child refuses to go to school. Have a baby sitter (most likely a friend who knows the drill) come over. Tell your child he is going to pay for the baby sitter with his allowance or with toys for as long as it takes him to get ready for school.
"The message is that the child does not have the power to make you late," Bryan says.
Getting dressed does not have to be a power struggle, either. So your child wants to wear stripes and polka dots? Why not? It's not worth a battle, she says.
"We say let kids have healthy control, and that will carry them through their teenage years," Bryan says. "Their quality of life depends on decision-making."
Just make sure to let the school know your plan, Bryan says, so there are no surprises.