DIANE MAKAR MURPHY Slam the door on Internet salesmen before they pop up

Owning a computer makes you long for the days when you could slam a door in the face of a door-to-door salesman.
The other night, as I was trying to type a simple document on my computer -- a five-minute job on a manual typewriter (remember those?) -- a virtual door-to-door salesman jammed his foot into my electronic doorway and wouldn't move it.
VIRTUAL BUSTER he was called. He may have looked like a rectangular graphic on my computer screen, but there's no doubt in my mind he had on a plaid coat, slicked back hair and a big smile. He warned in writing, "Your computer is at security risk!! Do you want Virtual Buster to check your system? Yes or no."
No.
Buster didn't remove his virtual foot, however; he held it fast.
"Are you sure? Virtual Buster can detect what is causing you this security threat. Do you want to risk having an unsafe computer? Yes or no."
A tricky question. Yes.I wasn't even online; how was this happening?
Buster came back to my screen. Like any good salesman who had gained entry into a home, he wasn't about to relinquish it.
"For just $19.95, Virtual Buster will stop annoying ads on your computer. Yes or no."
Wait a minute? Was this blackmail? Was the only way to get this anonymous, pushy, slack-jawed, obnoxious, persistent, virtual punk out of my house to pay him? Yeah, I WAS being blackmailed!
That was it! I pulled the plug. The computer went black, and Virtual Buster finally vanished down the information highway.
Intrusive
Those of you without computers have none of this folderol to contend with. Those of you who use the computer for pleasure may limit your aggravation.
Those of us who use the computer for our jobs, well, maybe the salesman analogy is too tame. It's more like the Dalton gang riding onto your computer, unrestricted and untamed.
About a month ago, I discovered an icon for a casino on my computer screen. I've never been to a casino site. A day later, another icon for a casino appeared. I deleted both. The next day, two more casino icons appeared. They were reproducing like rabbits.
About the same time, I noticed pop-up ads wherever I went on the Internet. Merriam-Webster Online -- pop-up! Library of Congress -- pop-up!
One, two, three pop-ups! I closed each window only to have three more replace them. As if this wasn't annoying enough, each pop-up featured a buxom woman, regardless of the product: Oil change -- buxom woman; long distance service -- buxom woman; new shoes -- buxom woman.
The sheriff
Fortunately, I may have found the sheriff -- software that limits unwanted intrusions. The first I downloaded was Pop-Up Stopper. It worked like magic. Evidently, pop-ups are now generated by little codes called "cookies" vendors embed in your computer's memory. When you go online, regardless of where you surf, the pop-up can open.
Some of the nasty stuff is the result of spybots or adbots, which also get embedded on your computer. These transmit information back to vendors about you. Feeling naked and vulnerable yet?
PCWorld.com has free downloads of software to get rid of all these virtual salesmen. In addition to Pop-Up Stopper, the site offers Ad-aware, WebWasher Classic and a half-dozen more. All have detailed descriptions so you can choose the one you that will solve your problems.
To access the software via the Internet, go to www.pcworld.com/downloads and click on "Most popular utilities" (that's no surprise).
As anyone who's become dependent upon a computer will attest, there's no going back. Still, wouldn't it be nice if you could solve the problem by just sitting on the porch, in your rocker, with a loaded shotgun?
murphy@vindy.com