ETIQUETTE Parents put thought into manners of children

A poll shows parents rate good manners as the top quality they want to instill.
By SAMANTHA CRITCHELL
ASSOCIATED PRESS
NEW YORK -- Many parents who say they are concerned about the "big picture" for their children -- including their social and emotional skills, cognitive abilities and physical fitness -- are concentrating on what seems, at least on the surface, to be a limited topic: manners.
These parents are on the right track, says etiquette expert Peggy Post.
"Manners is so much more than table manners; it's about how we do everything in our everyday life," she says.
"Our world is so informal, so crowded, so rushed, but it also can still be mannerly with just a little effort."
Top quality
According to a recent poll by Parents Magazine and HIT Entertainment, producers of "Barney & amp; Friends," good manners ranked as the top quality parents want to instill in their children. (Religious faith tied with manners as being important, followed by creativity, responsibility and a strong work ethic, the survey of more than 1,000 parents found.)
Most of the respondents reported being concerned about the erosion of manners in society, but they also blamed themselves -- 66 percent said parents not spending enough time with their children was the biggest contributor to poor manners.
The poll was done as HIT was doing research for a new Barney video, explains Sue Beddingfield, the company's senior vice president of marketing. The company was looking for a theme that would best highlight the purple dinosaur's strengths; the final product is "Barney's Best Manners: Your Invitation to Fun!"
"Kindness and manners are very organic to everything he [Barney] does. The new title is 'manners,' but there were no significant changes to scripts from the other videos," Beddingfield says.
What is involved
A lot of grownups think teaching children about manners means getting them to say "please" and "thank you," and to use the right utensils at the dinner table, but it's really about interacting and coping with people, explains Post, the great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post.
Peggy Post is working with HIT on manners workshops and a curriculum that will be distributed to day care centers and preschools.
"Manners are a matter of being respectful of yourself and other people," she says.
This is a lesson that can't be started too young, says Post.
Starting out
By the time children are 3 years old, they have developed the ability to empathize, so instead of just issuing blanket edicts to write thank-you notes for gifts or to share toys, parents should explain why it's nice to be nice to others, Post advises.
Of course, the golden rule of parenting is do as you want your children to do.
"Exposing children to good examples of good manners is key, and then you have to make good manners fun. Manners shouldn't only be associated with super-strict parents," Post says.
Preschoolers, for example, might consider it a chore if they are asked to write thank-you "notes." First of all, they probably can't write yet, and scribble on a sheet of paper has no meaning to these kids -- and probably not to the recipients, either.
But, if those same children are asked to draw pictures of the gifts they've received, it not only becomes a more enjoyable task, but the children are more likely to make the connection that someone gave them a gift that deserves a thoughtful response, Post says.
"The goal is for manners to become habits, not something you need to think about."