JOHN ROSEMOND | Parenting A discipline holiday might be a grand idea

Q. It has become tradition that every year, during the holidays, my entire family holds a reunion. This year, as every year, my parents will be there along with my brother's family. My brother has a 4-year-old who throws tantrums, kicks, hits and screams at his parents, behavior that has no consequences. The grandparents, unfortunately, not only cater to all of the grandchildren, but also interfere in any attempt on our part to discipline one of our kids. Our 4-year-old sees all this and tries to take full advantage. All of a sudden, he seems to think that he can get away with anything. He begins to whine, cry, ignore our instructions and talk disrespectfully. Our 8-year-old is better, but still tends to fall apart "around the edges." Do you have any suggestions on preparing our family for this chaotic situation? Should we just do the best we can during those three days and then yank our kids back to reality when we get back home?
A. Here's some reality for you. First, you cannot change the behavior of any of the people in question. Second, your choice is either to accept things as they are or not attend this reunion. Third, the latter option is not the preferable one, for obvious reasons. So yes, your job is to simply do the best you can within the context of an imperfect situation. It might also help to keep in mind that in all likelihood, no one there thinks the situation is quite as imperfect as you do.
You can't change other people, but a change in your own thinking might help you endure the weekend and even find joy in it. To that end, I suggest that you embrace your helplessness, celebrate it and turn it to your best advantage.
Upon arriving at the reunion, announce to the grandparents that in effect the kids "belong" to them for the duration. "They're yours! Enjoy!" Promise the grands that you will not interfere in any decision they make concerning the children. They can give 'em whatever they want to give 'em, and most definitely they can discipline however they please, or they can choose to give the kids a "discipline holiday." Whatever!
If I know grandparents -- and I should, being one to the sixth power -- they will have no problem with any of this. Willie and I would certainly not. (Kids, are you reading this?)
Then, from that point on, if your 4-year-old whines at you for something, tell him to go see Grandma. If you tell him to do something and he disobeys, just look at one of the grandparents as if to say, "You need to do something about this." Do the same in regard to his older brother on an as-needed basis.
And yes, when you get back home, be prepared to yank both children, especially the younger, back to reality. On the way home, tell the kids that you hope they had a good time. Then calmly inform them that they need to come back down to earth before you arrive home. Make it clear that the discipline holiday is over and that the rules of your household are the same as they ever were.
If that doesn't do it (and it may not), then on the occurrence of the first at-home misbehavior, amplify the message by doubling the usual punishment. That should suffice to bring an end to "reunion re-entry."
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th Street, Suite 26B, Indianapolis, Ind. 46240 and at his Web site: http://www.rosemond.com/.