DAVID WATERS Spam: Don't let it push your buttons
Wonderful spam.
Ubiquitous spam.
The electronic form of kudzu.
The graffiti of e-commerce.
The snake-oil salesman of the information age.
Africa's revenge for centuries of western pillaging and plundering.
Congress is working on legislation to control it. I say leave it alone. Any attempt to stop spam -- especially by the government -- probably will only make it multiply faster and faster.
Spam happens.
What to do
If government really wants to do something useful about spam, don't try to stop it.
Tax it.
The national debt would evaporate overnight, and we could send all the extra money to those poor spammers in Africa who can't get to their millions.
"I am Mrs. Maryam Abacha, wife of the former Head of State of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, General Sanni Abacha ..." According to that spam, the late Abacha left $32 million in a bank, and Mrs. Abacha needs my help to get it. She's willing to give me 30 percent.
I also heard from "Miss Jennifer Okukoya," the general's girlfriend. She said Abacha left $56 million behind, and she's offering 20 percent.
No wonder the general's dead.
See? Spam can be fun. Well, most of it. I could do without the raunchy spam. And I certainly could do without the personally ridiculing spam.
Fit in your bikini.
Funny, bro.
Spam can be entertaining on slow news days.
I never open it. I just like to look at the memos you see when you open your mailbox. In fact, I do with spam what my wife does with TV commercials.
I talk back to it.
How it works
Great news! A superior solution! I was raised Democrat. I prefer inferior solutions, thank you.
May cause DROWSINESS.
Fan mail.
David, Affordable Augmentation.
Very funny, bro.
Destroy your debt.
No thanks. I've worked much too hard for my debt.
Too much junk in your box? Now that you mention it.
Waters, take control.
I have teenagers. I gave up control long ago.
Would you like better health? Mom, I'm cutting back on the Ben & amp; Jerry's, I swear.
Stop typing, start talking.
More fan mail.
The price of gas too high? Yes, Mr. Vice President.
Learn how to earn $300-$800.
Honey, please ask your dad to leave me alone about my chosen profession.
Give us your opinion, we'll pay.
More fan mail.
When it comes to debt, don't consolidate, eliminate.
You've heard of a poetry slam? How about a spam slam? Exciting new $6 business.
But I'm already learning how to earn $300-$800.
GOD IS WITH US.
I opened that one. You never know. With all the clutter in our lives, God may try anything to reach us.
XDavid Waters may be reached by e-mail at waters@gomemphis.com.