Warning: This story will shock and terrify

Halloween is just around the corner, and, in the spirit of the season, I've decided to reveal a frightening, unbelievably terrifying thing that has descended on the sports world.
The NHL regular season has begun.
(I'll pause for a moment until you stop screaming.)
I know, I know. It's awful. I don't know how it happened, or when, but all I know is that once the regular season starts, it sparks a positively horrifying chain of events:
UThe teams continue to play games for weeks -- months, even.
UESPN starts showing highlights of these games during SportsCenter.
UThese highlights sometimes last as long as five minutes or, if it's a really slow news day (i.e. when they only have 38 minutes worth of updates on the Kobe Bryant case), even longer.
UNot that I would know. I don't have cable.
UI really should get cable.
UIf you would like to donate to the "Cable for Joey" fund, please send a check or money order to ...
I should have seen it coming, of course.
My first clue came when the editors of Sports Illustrated decided to waste 32 pages of my magazine on a season preview that included a story addressing the burning question (and I swear I'm not making this up): "Why is the province of Quebec cranking out all the best netminders?"
Burning questions
Which, of course, leads to another burning question, "What is a netminder?"
Well, for you non-hockey fans out there (i.e. Mahoning Valley readers who don't live Canada), a "netminder" is another name for a goalie.
And SI -- which also ran a scintillating feature on "Ice Cop" Kris King, who enforces the rules regarding goalie equipment -- ranked the NHL's 40 best goalies. This must have come in handy for all you Fantasy Hockey nuts who weren't sure if you should take Martin Brodeur or Marty Turco. (Answer: Wayne Gretzky.)
Which, of course, leads to other questions. And, being a selfless public servant, I'll do my best to answer them, starting with the most pressing ones.
Q. Where did SI rank Evgeni Nabokov?
A. Ninth.
Q. Can the letters in Evgeni Nabokov be rearranged to spell anything else?
A.. Yes. "Vein Above Kong" and "Oven Invoke Gab" are just two of the many fun combinations you can make.
Q. Isn't it a little insensitive to make fun of other peoples' names?
A. Probably. And we in the sports media don't want to be a bad example for kids. That's what pro athletes are for. So in the interest of being sensitive, here are some other goalie names that I do not find at all humorous: Nikolai Khabibulin, Patrick LaLime, Olaf Kolzig and Pasi Nurimen.
Q. I've heard that the NHL is having problems with its collective bargaining agreement. The league seems to want a salary cap, while the players want to maintain the status quo. It's a pretty sensitive issue because attendance and television ratings are down and several teams are struggling to cover the spiraling costs of player contracts. The future of the league is in doubt and it's the fans who will ultimately suffer.
A. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of the problem. So what's your question?
Q. My question is, is Anna Kournikova still dating that Russian hockey player?
A. No, they broke up. I think she's still dating Enrique Iglesias.
Q. Blast.
A. We're almost out of time, so I'll take one more question.
Q. What's your prediction for the rest of the season?
A. Well, since a lockout is at least a year away, I predict they'll keep playing until someone wins a title in May. That may shock, frighten and mortify some of you, but look on the bright side -- after reading this, Halloween will seem pretty tame.
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.