By VALERIE BANNER

By VALERIE BANNER
VINDICATOR CORRESPONDENT
Antonio Grassi is like a modern, hi-tech Cyrano de Bergerac in reverse.
Instead of asking his friend to help him get a girl, Grassi asked his friend to help him get rid of a girl.
According to 20-year-old Grassi, it all began in November when he met Tara at a party at Westminster College. They exchanged Instant Messenger screen names, then started talking on the phone and eventually went on a few dates.
"But I started getting really busy with school, my fraternity, and I decided I couldn't have a long-distance relationship," said Grassi, who is a Youngstown State University student.
So Grassi asked his friend, Kyle Unger, to break up with Tara for him "since he's experienced with breaking up with girls," he said.
Unger used Grassi's screen name to talk to her and tell her that it wasn't working out.
"I was suggesting what to say," Grassi said.
Tara asked to call him or to come over and Grassi said he refused.
"That's it. That's how it happened," he said.
He's sure she didn't know someone else did the breaking up, he said.
Sees nothing wrong
For Grassi and others like him who are especially comfortable using e-mail and Instant Messenger, the technology is just another way of communicating. It's used for everything from getting to know someone to getting in touch with friends to ending a relationship.
Grassi said he didn't see anything wrong with his method of breaking up.
Youngstown psychologist Dr. James Esperon said the ways people end a relationship are often indicative of their maturity.
"The breakup is a reflection of the maturity or lack of maturity and of what the relationship was like," he said.
He called a breakup e-mail a high-tech version of the traditional "Dear John" letter.
"Person to person is the most respectful way of doing it," he said. "E-mail is convenient because the person doesn't have to be in, but it's not appropriate for something serious like sending condolences or a breakup. ... Anything with a high level of emotion deserves more contact."
Sam Tarcy, a freshman at Youngstown State University, agrees.
Her boyfriend broke up with her unexpectedly over IM in January.
"It's like he just went stupid overnight," she said.
Was a shock
Tarcy, who didn't want her ex-boyfriend identified in the article, said they had been friends first and then dated casually before she committed to being in an exclusive relationship with him.
"We were just so close," she said. "He started telling me that he loved me and that I'm the only girl for him. ... I always thought if anyone breaks up, it's gonna be me."
She said she had seen him two days before he broke up with her and she thought everything was fine.
Then they were talking on IM and discussing if they were going to see each other that night.
"And he goes, 'Maybe we should just be friends. I'll call you tomorrow,'" she said. "He never called."
She was confused and hurt, she said. "It wasn't just a boyfriend. I just lost one of my best friends," she said. "I felt like crap."
Krista Norman, 19, of Warren, didn't feel any better when her boyfriend broke up with her by leaving a message.
She said she had dated the guy for about 10 months when they started having problems. The day he ended their relationship they had been arguing with each other at his house.
Answering-machine message
Norman left angrily, but still as his girlfriend. When she got home, she discovered that he had left a message on her answering machine. She said the message said that "we have too much hostility in our relationship" and that he needs time apart from her.
"I was heated," she said. "'Can't you be man enough to talk to me?'"
Norman -- and Tarcy and Esperon -- argue that the most respectful way of ending a relationship is in person.
"I think that guys need to start keeping it real," Norman said. "If you don't want to be in a relationship, you need to tell me."