KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox 'Bernice's' behavior can no longer be tolerated

Dear Annie: I think someone may be stalking me. "Bernice" and I are related by marriage and used to be friends. One day, her behavior changed from friendly to bitter, jealous and verbally manipulative. She began sending me e-mail messages accusing me of all sorts of bizarre things. I decided to terminate the relationship and wrote Bernice a nice but firm letter, explaining I wished her no ill will, but I could no longer tolerate her behavior.
That is when weird things began to happen. Bernice began to talk to all of the family members, saying I was cruel, harsh and had stopped speaking to her for no reason. I saved the e-mail correspondence between us and allowed the family to read her wild ramblings. I began to get phone calls with someone breathing on the other end, and then the breather would hang up. I assumed it was Bernice. She also began to send me cards via e-mail, including weird religious tracts.
Although there have been no threats of violence, or any indication that she plans on doing me harm, I am becoming concerned. I have ignored her e-mails, but they continue to arrive on an almost daily basis. Other family members dismiss Bernice's behavior, saying she is a little troubled and I should forget about it.
I believe Bernice is obsessed with me. Should I continue to ignore her behavior and hope it stops? Uneasy in Philly
Dear Uneasy: Bernice sounds mentally unbalanced, and there is real potential for harm. Authorities recommend that victims of stalking contact their local police as well as a crime victim assistance program. Meanwhile, keep copies of those e-mails, and have your answering machine pick up her calls. The tapes and printouts will provide a record for the police. Other recommendations include getting a dog, taking a self-defense class and alerting neighbors to the situation. Under no circumstances should you have any contact with Bernice.
Since Bernice is a family member, however, please encourage the relatives to consider getting her some psychiatric help. She is in desperate need of assistance.
Dear Annie: I have been in a relationship for almost eight months with a married man. His wife has already asked him for a divorce. "Fred" comes over to my house every day. I make him a pot of coffee, he eats my food, uses my telephone to call his out-of-state family and friends, and smokes my cigarettes. When we go out, we use my car. Fred always arrives empty-handed, promises to do things and never does. He goes home every night to his wife, pays all his household bills and gives his wife money for expenses.
Fred keeps telling me how much he loves me and would do anything for me, but he doesn't think of milk, coffee or groceries. I am in debt, and he knows I'm living on my charge cards. Please help me. Can't Say No in New York
Dera Can't Say No: If you can't say "no," say, "Fred, I can no longer afford this relationship. Call me if your situation changes." He's taking advantage of you, and you know it. Find your backbone, and send him on his way.
Dear Annie: Please help us solve a disagreement at work regarding white shoes. One group says they may be worn between Easter and Labor Day. Others say it's Memorial Day and Labor Day. Can you clear this up for us? Monett, Mo.
Dear Monett: Most etiquette experts say not to wear white shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day, unless you live in a resort area or you need white shoes to match your wedding dress.
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