KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox Her husband tells his mother everything

Dear Annie: I have been married to "Dexter" for 35 years. Two years ago, Dex retired, and we moved back to his home state and a new house. I call it a house because it certainly doesn't seem like a home. Shortly after we settled in, my husband converted part of the house into an apartment for his 80-year-old widowed mother. Mom has been living here for 18 months.
Since Mom moved in, we have no privacy. Even though her apartment has its own entrance, she prefers to come through our part of the house. Dexter tells her everything -- when we are going out, where we'll be and when we are coming home. I feel like a teenager with a curfew. Dex also thinks his mother should know all our business, personal and otherwise.
We have talked about this, and Dex says, "She raised me and cared for me, and now it's my turn to take care of her." I'll admit, I'm not crazy about my mother-in-law. She often laughs at nothing at all, which really gets under my skin. She has hearing aides but never wears them. The TV in her quarters is so loud, I can watch ours with the sound off.
Dexter insists I should be more understanding. I love my husband, but this arrangement is killing our marriage. It seems as if there is no happy place for me now. It used to be in my husband's arms, but I feel someone else has taken my place. Can you help? In a Pickle in Denver
Dear Denver: Try not to be so threatened by Mom. Dexter is showing great kindness and compassion. However, that does not mean he has to tell Mom your personal business, nor should her desires take precedence over your marriage.
Assuming Mom is relatively healthy, this problem may vex you for some time. Tell Dexter he needs to find a way to be both a caring son and a devoted husband. If he cannot find the right balance, discuss the problem with your clergyperson or a therapist. Of course, you must do your part to get along with Mom, too. Good luck.
Dear Annie: I belong to a women's group, and every year we have a large, formal ball. Last year, one of our members had a bit too much to drink and fell while dancing. She hurt herself severely and is now suing our group, the town and the facility where the ball took place. If she wins this lawsuit, it could mean the end of our group, and restrictions in the town's policy toward such activities in the future.
Alcohol is always present at these affairs, and the woman admitted she was drunk at the time of her fall, a fact to which several people can attest. The problem is, this woman is a close friend to many of us. Some of the ladies in our group have refused to have anything more to do with her. Others are confused and upset. We need an impartial opinion on how to handle her. Sad Friend in Los Angeles
Dear Friend: If this woman's lawsuit puts your group out of business, you can't blame the members for holding it against her. You reap what you sow. Nonetheless, those who wish to maintain a friendship with the woman should not be ostracized for doing so, as long as discussion of the lawsuit is off-limits.
Dear Annie: This is in response to "Not a Lifeguard in California," whose neighbors wanted to use his pool. May I suggest the flag method? When a red flag is flying, it means the pool is closed. When a green flag is flying, the neighbors are welcome. Southern Pool Owner
Dear Pool Owner: Several folks suggested flags or towels, and we agree it's a great solution. Our thanks to all who wrote.
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