JOHN ROSEMOND | Parenting Is it nature, nurture or just free will?

Post-Freudian psychology posits that every human behavior has an antecedent and that it was acquired (learned) by way of some social interaction. If this is true, it follows that a child's behavior is shaped largely by how he/she is parented.
This is fiction. Nonetheless, it has had a powerful effect on today's parents, and especially mothers, many of whom live on the razor's edge of a gnawing fear that every bad thing their children do reflects upon them, that it tells of some dreadful parental (most likely, maternal) sin of omission or commission.
The flip side of this is that today's parents -- again, especially moms -- are convinced that their children's accomplishments are evidence they are doing many constant good works in their children's lives.
Grandma knows best
Grandma knew better than to believe in nefarious drivel of this sort. As she put it, "Every child has a mind of his own."
As usual, Grandma was absolutely correct. In other words, dear parents: It's not all about you.
Don't get me wrong. The way a child is raised, the quality of discipline and love he receives from those who care about him, makes a difference, but it is not the whole story. The fact that every child has a mind of his own means not only that right and proper parenting does not produce a child who will not misbehave, but also that right and proper discipline may not cure misbehavior.
In other words, sometimes the best discipline does not work, even when parents work diligently at it. This is evidence not of some biological dysfunction, but of a dysfunction that is even more fundamental to being human -- the will to rebel, to prove that no one is qualified to tell you what to do.
So what, pray tell, should parents do if, in the face of right and proper discipline, a child persists in misbehaving? Why, the only sensible thing, of course: Just keep on delivering right and proper discipline. One can only hope that the child will someday get it. But then, that's entirely up to him, isn't it?
Unrepentant liar
I am reminded of a friend who claims to have been an unrepentant liar for as long as he can remember. When he was a child, he would lie about things big and small, usually to keep himself out of trouble. And when he was caught, he was punished, not only for what he'd done wrong, but for the lie.
Nonetheless, he continued to lie. His lies became even more reckless as he got older, costing him jobs and a marriage.
As he tells it, he stopped lying on his 50th birthday. No particular reason, mind you, he just decided to stop. And he claims he hasn't told a lie since. That's been several years now, and I happen to believe him.
His parents did nothing to cause him to lie, and there was nothing his parents, his teachers, his employers, or his first wife could have done to cause him to stop. As a child, he made a decision to lie, and when he was 50, he made a decision to stop.
The point of the story: There's nature, and there's nurture, and then there's free will, and the most powerful of the three is definitely the latter.
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 E. 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his Web site: http://www.rosemond.com/.