DIANE MAKAR MURPHY Advice for Martha from someone who's been there

Obstruction of justice. Conspiracy. Lying to federal officials. Lying to the FBI. Making false statements. Putting out detailed and fraudulent information.
That's just part of the laundry list of charges brought against media empress Martha Stewart by the district attorney last week (just minutes before she was caught fleeing up the interstate in her white Bronco, threatening police with a glue gun and salad shooter).
Upon hearing the charges, I couldn't help but think, "Hey, those sound familiar." And then, "Oh, yeah ... now I remember. James Traficant!"
You know, maybe Jim could help Martha prepare for court. After all, who better to tell her what NOT to do?
So, I phoned Allenwood prison in Pennsylvania and asked to powwow with the former congressman. Well, actually, I just imagined phoning him. Here's what I imagined he said (to include some actual quotes from time's past):
Traficant's imagined responses
Jim: Yes, I have advice. As I once said to CNN's Rusty Dornin, "You're looking at the No. 1 target of the Justice Department, and I hate those b - - - - - - -. The FBI can go to hell. I'm the son of a truck driver, and I cut my hair with a weed whacker. Does anybody have a fr - - - - - cough drop? Where's my denim suit? I think it's time to do my Michael Jackson moonwalk on the House floor."
Uh, wait a minute. What was the question? Oh, yeah. Of course, I have advice for her. First Martha, what's with this "She's being targeted because she's a celebrity" bull? Fire your lawyers! Defend yourself. Don't remind anybody you're rich. Repeat after me, "I'm the daughter of a Polish pharmaceutical salesman in Jersey City. My mama taught me to cook; my papa taught me to plant tomatoes."
Sure I'm in prison, Martha, but I beat the FBI once. You could do worse than copy me. Although, uh, in hindsight, uh, there are ... a few ... of my remarks you might avoid using.
"If you don't get those cameras out of my face, I'm gonna go 8.6 on the Richter scale with gastric emissions that'll clear this room" wasn't the winner I had hoped.
"Are all those volumes your evidence? Well, you know what you can do with it, don't you?" didn't go over well either.
"I am prepared to lose everything. I am prepared to go to jail." I definitely recommend against using this.
Equally ineffective was accusing the judge of tainting the jury and treating the Constitution like it was toilet paper. Skip those.
On the other hand, here's one I used with the Ethics Committee, and I recommend it for your closing statement: "I want you to disregard all the opposing counsel has said. I think they're delusionary. I think they've had something funny for lunch in their meal. I think they should be handcuffed, chained to a fence and flogged, and all of their hearsay evidence should be thrown the hell out. And if they lie again, I'm going to go over there and kick them in the crotch. Thank you very much."
And this one, used on the House floor, May 2001, "... An investigation revealed that 16,000 IRS employees illegally used their computers. The report states IRS agents spent 50 percent of their time at work on personal business. ... I yield back to the internal rectal service of the United States of America." (I know it's got absolutely nothing to do with your case, but everybody hates the IRS. How can it hurt?)
And Martha, if all else fails, own up and simply say what I once did, "I apologize. As a fashion leader, it is tough for me at times to comport with some rules."
Back to you, Diane
Thanks, Jim. I hope all his imagined advice will help Martha. The beleaguered home fashion diva has stepped down from Martha Stewart Living, her vast media empire, as a result of the charges.
I asked Jim about that as well. Since I asked him from my basement, and he wasn't there, I had to fudge his response to that one, too. Said Jim, "Why exactly can't she handle her duties from prison?"
Hmm... a sewing machine, a hot plate, a small garden. It could work. It's not like she's a congressman or something.
murphy@vindy.com