MARTIN SLOANE | Supermarket Shopper Downsizing of many products isn't really a laughing matter

As you've probably read over the past several months, Dannon and Proctor & amp; Gamble have recently heard a slew of consumer complaints because of downsizing their products. I had no idea how outrageous things were getting until I recently received a batch of hysterical letters:
The morning began with a reader's e-mail that asked: "Has anyone noticed that Sundown dishwashing liquid has been reduced to 12 ounces and has lost its grease-cutting power?" A company representative seemed surprised when I called.
"You and your readers don't seem to understand this is an infinitely better product." The spokesperson admitted that the new formula Sundown has fewer bubbles and requires more elbow grease: "That is why Sundown is offering a pot-cleaning exercise video that will bulk you up for faster grease cutting."
More bad news
The morning continued with a disturbing report that Demon yogurt had just announced it will lead the industry in offering new 2-ounce cups. I asked a Demon representative whether she thought it was extreme to downsize from 6 ounces to just 2.
"I am surprised at you," she said, obviously questioning my intelligence. "Don't you know that the first spoonful you taste is the best and most important? The new 2-ounce cup gives a great first spoonful, and a few more as a bonus!"
I asked why the new 2-ounce cups were the same size as the old 6-ounce cups. Don't you think shoppers will notice all that empty space, I asked?
"That's not empty space," said the representative, "it is useful space! Think of all the things you can do with it. You can keep a small plastic spoon inside the cup and even a small napkin for neater eating. Most customers are welcoming the new 2-ounce cup, because it cuts the number of calories."
If that weren't bad enough, other yogurt manufacturers said they also planned to downsize to 2 ounces. "We have little choice," said one. "If we don't switch to the 2-ounce cup it will be very difficult for shoppers to make meaningful price comparisons, and our yogurt will be at a competitive disadvantage."
Don't you think shoppers can do the math, I asked?
"Not really," was the reply.
I started the afternoon with a call to the Bortox Co., which recently downsized from the 3-quart jug to the 1-quart bottle and now calls it Ultra-Supremo Bleach. What makes bleach ultra-supremo? Isn't it the same formula, I asked a Bortox representative.
"Yes, it is the same, but everyone knows an Ultra-Supremo product works better."
A reader complained that the box of the famous Cheese-Ditz crackers is now 7.2 ounces instead of 10. It was a dangerous trend. I called the company.
Why have you downsized America's favorite cracker, I asked.
"Don't use that D word!" shouted the company representative. "It is not downsizing! We do a lot of consumer surveys, and we found out our customers were running out of space in their pantries. The new smaller box is a big space saver, and we are doing them a big favor."
Last call
There was one last call to make. The familiar 13-ounce can of Bolger's ground coffee has been replaced by a much taller can, similar to a can of chips. A close look shows the new can contains just 10 ounces of ground coffee. That is one heck of a downsize, I told the Bolger's spokesperson.
"Not really. As downsizing goes it's just run of the mill," she said with a laugh.
Why did you do it, I asked.
"Consumers had a big problem because 13 was a difficult number for them to grasp. Besides, it's an unlucky number. Ten works better for everyone, and the new can looks like a lot more than 10 ounces." She expected me to be impressed. Consumers will rebel, I said. "So, let them," and the line went dead.
By now, readers, you're probably on to my little bit of downsizing satire, but my jokes aren't too far from the truth. When will all of this downsizing end?
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United Feature Syndicate