GAIL WHITE Kids must learn that bad behavior means punishment

I was taking the boys to a high school play.
It had been a rainy, cold Saturday, and a heartwarming, funny play seemed just the ticket. On the way to the school, I began to second-guess my decision.
Cooped up in the house all day, the boys were behaving more like crazed animals in need of a cage than nice, respectable, young men I wanted to take out in public.
I began loudly explaining the code of conduct I expected during the production.
"You will not push each other, you will not shove -- just don't touch each other," I began, as I removed the hand of one child off of another. "There will be no loud talking, no laughing obnoxiously and no making funny noises."
Feeling I hadn't covered all the bases, I continued, "You will not race to your seats, you will not fight over which seats you want to sit in," pausing, I surveyed my subjects. "I will sit between you two," I said, pointing to the two most guilty-looking ones.
I stopped talking, finger still pointing in mid-air, trying to think of any other antics these overactive minds might attempt that I had not covered. "Hats off in the building," I barked one final demand and marched the brood onto the sidewalk.
The touching began before we reached the door.
"If I have to speak to you once more," I seethed, "You will be grounded for a month."
Faces sobered immediately. They knew I meant it.
Pre-framing
Some people approach this pre-event talk as "threatening-them-within-an-inch-of-their-lives." I call it pre-framing. There is no threat involved; only the promise of punishment for bad behavior.
I pre-frame all the time. When I forget, I undoubtedly regret it. I believe children need to be reminded repeatedly how to behave before it becomes habit.
My older children now know that when we are in the grocery store, I will not tolerate being asked for the hundreds of items that they "must" have. When they occasionally find something that they cannot live without, if I say no, they know I mean no.
There are no tears, there are no screaming fits of rage. They have formed a habit of grocery store behavior that no longer needs pre-framed.
My 4-year-old, on the other hand, is in a major grocery store pre-framing phase.
Pulling into the parking lot, I begin telling him what I expect of him in the store.
"We are not buying any toys today," I will tell him. "You may pick out one bag of cookies for lunches." And, of course, "You may not have any candy in the checkout line."
Doesn't sink in
He listens to my words, but somewhere between the parking lot and the first aisle in the store, he usually forgets.
When tears or whines start, he gets "the look." If they do not stop, we take the bad behavior to the car for a quick spanking.
If the expectation of the pre-frame is not followed up with a punishment when the expectation is not met, the pre-frame becomes a bunch of useless words.
Children figure this out quickly.
Instead of demands of conduct with a negative outcome if not obeyed, "Blah, blah, blah ..." is all they hear.
There may be nothing more annoying or embarrassing to a parent than children who hear "blah, blah, blah ..."
I know this personally because there are times, even with the best-planned pre-frame, when children just behave badly.
With all my pre-play pre-framing, I never thought to pre-frame for post-play.
One child felt he had clapped enough at the end of each scene and did not move his "sore" hands as the actors bowed on stage.
After the applause from the rest of us died, the 4-year-old had a question.
"Is this play over," he asked loudly. "Or are the lights gonna go out again, 'cause I'm bored of this."
New pre-frame rule: No speaking until you have left the building.
gwhite@vindy.com