KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox He has possible answer for 'Cheated On's' query

Dear Annie: This is in response to "Cheated On in Michigan," who wanted to know why her boyfriend preferred viewing porn and pleasuring himself instead of having sex with her. As a 55-year-old male, I may be able to answer that question.
I suspect the boyfriend can't or won't share his sexual desires with her. I have yet to meet a woman whose sexual interests are in sync with mine. Many women consider oral sex, slinky lingerie and dirty talk to be disgusting or laughable. "Cheated" should have a frank chat with her man. She should ask him what he gets out of his fantasy life and why he isn't getting it from her. Bob in Los Angeles
Dear Bob: We are not castigating those who view pornography on occasion, nor do we object to masturbation when one's partner is sexually unavailable. However, when a man would rather have sex with himself while his willing partner waits in the bedroom, something is wrong.
Men who view too much porn develop a distorted image of women. It is also a way to avoid the responsibilities of a real relationship. After all, sex objects on TV, in magazines and online make no demands and do not require any reciprocation. Nonetheless, it's apparently a widespread problem. Here's a small sampling of the incredible volume of mail we received:
From Memphis: Men like to look at naked women. It's like women reading romance novels -- they are seeking a mental escape and, at some level, are stimulated. They might not masturbate, but that's a difference in the wiring of our brains, not a fundamental defect in men. Leave guys and their dirty videos alone.
East Coast: Most men prefer the real thing to the Internet, but the female is in control of the amount of sex in a relationship. If it's not frequent enough, men must find another outlet. I love my wife, but once a month doesn't do it for me.
Arizona: I recently caught my husband pleasuring himself while he was on the Internet. I felt betrayed, hurt, humiliated and stupid for not knowing what was going on. He says he's not dissatisfied with our sex life. He just likes the excitement.
Colorado: If the porn had enhanced our sexual relationship, instead of being a substitute, it wouldn't have bothered me. It was just a way for him to avoid intimacy.
Kentucky: Her boyfriend's a sex addict and should try a support group: Sex Addicts Anonymous (www.saa-recovery.org) or Sexaholics Anonymous (www.sa.org).
Boston: Every time a man chooses pornography, he's turning away from the woman in his life. The relationship is damaged by the resulting lack of intimacy.
Michigan: My wife claims she is "always sexually available," but it is untrue. And women would do well to get cleaned up, take a bath, shave and look attractive. They don't need a makeover, but they do need desire and enthusiasm.
Illinois: My partner and I have a satisfying sex life, but I still masturbate. It is a pleasurable activity, like taking a walk or having a cup of coffee.
Denver: My husband and I watch porn together as a sexual aid. I never thought I'd enjoy it, but once in a while, it gives us the spice we are looking for.
Kansas: Why didn't you tell "Cheated On" that she may not be satisfying her boyfriend's needs? Perhaps she needs to educate herself on male sexuality.
Vermont: Not all porn addicts are unwilling to change. I would not be clean today if it had not been for my girlfriend's loving support as I struggled to break free.
Michigan: Porn is nothing compared to a loving, breathing, passionate woman. Many committed relationships could use some playful initiative, and she should give the porn a run for its money. After all, a fellow only has so much energy.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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