GAIL WHITE Cleanliness is sometimes next to impossible

"If it takes you more than a split second to answer the question 'When was the last time you took a shower?' it has been too long," I said, addressing my children during a recent family meeting.
The meeting had been called because the shower question had been asked of two children whose prolonged response, with their eyes rolled back in their heads to concentrate, caused great angst in the life of their mother.
After pondering the question intensely, one child had answered, "I don't know ..."
The other, noting my response to the first, answered promptly, "Two days ago."
He quickly learned that was the wrong answer.
At first, I lamented that fact that I, once again, needed to make yet another rule about yet another seemingly common-sense issue.
Then, in my usual motherly fashion, I laid a guilt trip upon myself for obviously not teaching my children proper hygiene.
After analyzing (and overanalyzing) the situation, I have determined that boys from the age of 8 to 11 are in stench denial.
My 4-year-old loves to take a bath. A tub of water, a few suds and some toys, and he is one happy boy. He won't come out until he's wrinkly and squeaky clean.
I can't get my 14-year-old out of the shower. "Long and often" seems to be his motto. Every time I turn around, he's under the water. I have had to talk with him about showering less often and with more speed.
My 9- and 11-year-olds could be standing in front of me with mud caked on their extremities and every strand of hair matted to their heads and ask "Why?" when told to take a shower.
You would think looking at each other would be a hint. Apparently dirt reflects clean.
Common-sense cleaning
Our first conversation about shower habits occurred after laundry day one week.
As the piles of clothes for each child were stacked high, I noticed a lack of white in the 9- and 11-year-olds' piles. Calling them to the sorting table, I accused them of not putting their dirty clothes in the clothes hamper.
"Go get them," I ordered, envisioning a mound of dirty clothes under the bed.
They came back empty handed, proud that they had not been neglectful.
"To the shower!" I yelled in horror as the reality hit me. The pride washed from their faces -- with soap and water.
Soap is another rule I have had to enforce. It seems standing under the water for 10 minutes denotes clean to a 9-year-old.
I actually have to say, "Go take a shower and use soap." When they are done, I follow up with, "Did you use soap?" just to be sure.
Once, after I noticed a lack of body and bounce in my child's hair, he exclaimed, "Well, we haven't had any shampoo for a week!"
They tell me when they are hungry. They tell me every new toy and game that they want. They don't tell me when they need shampoo and soap to clean their bodies.
Solid solution
I have found a way to solve this dilemma. I always know when the boys have soap and are using the soap because the 14-year-old will yell about it.
"Why do you always leave the soap on the shower floor?" the clean brother will demand. "And why do you always break it into little pieces?"
This is a major peeve of the 14-year-old. He seethes over broken soap. Which may be why the 9- and 11-year-olds break it.
I believe, however, it is simply their way of conquering the whole shower routine. If they have to be clean, they are going to make the soap pay.
I have seen it broken into little pieces. I have seen it with a hole bore through the middle of it. I have seen it with chunks taken out of the ends. They work hard at mutilating the soap.
Come to think of it: All that soap mutilation has got to take a long time. The next time they are done with a shower I better ask, "Did you use soap to wash your body?"
gwhite@vindy.com