KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox 'Charlene's' relationship with father is unhealthy

Dear Annie: I have been married to "Charlene" for 10 years, and I'm concerned about her relationship with her parents.
Let me explain. I'm close to my parents, but if I don't speak to them for a day, or even a week, it's no big deal. Charlene, on the other hand, talks with her mother several times a day and her father at least once every day. Whenever we need to make a major decision, Charlene asks her father for his advice, and he belittles all of my ideas, letting Charlene know he has no faith in me.
Although we get along, my father-in-law never truly approved of my marrying his daughter. I am less concerned, however, with his undermining my ambitions than I am with his relationship with my wife. Last weekend, Charlene and her father sat in the hot tub together, in the nude. They've done this before, and Charlene sees no problem with it.
Is this normal and acceptable behavior? I love my wife, but it feels as if I am not the main man in her life. Whatever her father tells her is gospel, and my ideas and dreams mean nothing. Is this how fathers and daughters are supposed to behave? I've tried hard to please my wife, but I am about ready to give up. What should I do? Dazed and Confused in Texas
Dear Texas: Charlene's relationship with her father is not healthy. After 10 years of marriage, she is still emotionally dependent on Dad, and this nude hot-tubbing is completely out of line.
You and Charlene should discuss these issues with a trained therapist. Ask Charlene to go with you for marriage counseling, or go alone and get a more accurate assessment of what's really going on in your relationship.
Dear Annie: After 42 years of marriage, I am single again. I need to know what to do with my daughters, who are 40, 37 and 34, and cannot seem to fend for themselves. They have screwed up their lives many times and always return with sad hearts. Of course I give them a place to stay, because of the grandchildren. I worry about the little ones and want them to have a safe environment.
I have found a very nice man who is interested in a long-term relationship, but we are always fighting about my daughters. What should I do? Frustrated Mother
Dear Frustrated Mother: Your daughters must learn to stand on their own two feet, not only for themselves, but to teach their children how to be responsible adults.
Unless they are in imminent danger of living out of a cardboard box, you should not take them in so quickly. Instead, offer to take the children while they look for work and day care. Help them find affordable housing. Suggest that the sisters share a place together. When they see that Mom is not going to make it easy, they will make a greater effort to take care of themselves. Good luck.
Dear Annie: You have printed several letters about death notices and what is appropriate to put in them. I thought I would share with you a woman's death notice that recently appeared in our local paper. At the bottom, it read, "Respecting the wishes of the deceased, in lieu of flowers or contributions, the family suggests you do a random act of kindness for a stranger."
I wish I had known the woman who died. It seems she taught her family the meaning of true kindness. Asking for a Miracle
Dear Miracle: What a lovely and compassionate idea. That woman must have been a generous soul, and her family found the right way to honor her memory.
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