ADOLESCENT FEMALES Bringing a daughter up right

The preteen years are strange and exciting for mothers and daughters.
By ANDREA TODD
SCRIPPS HOWARD
REARING AN ADOLESCENT or preteen can be challenging. Rearing a female adolescent or preteen can be painful, especially for moms.
Mom Cheryl Stalis has noticed some personality changes in her little girl, Brittany, 12.
"She's definitely questioning me more," says Stalis, 36, who lives with her husband and daughter in Atwater, Calif. "Sometimes she comes home from school and I know something's upset her, but she goes straight to her room. It's hard because, as a mom, I'm used to her coming to me right away, but now, I have to wait and let her ask for my help when she's ready. It's tough not to feel rejected and a bit hurt."
The developmental task of adolescents and preteens is to break away from their parents -- and they practice it with eye-rolling and withdrawal.
These are things "that parents, especially mothers, take very much to heart," says Clea McNeely, an assistant professor in the division of general pediatric adolescent health at the University of Missouri.
In adolescence, biologically, the brain is developing more quickly than any time except between birth and age 2. Girls reach this stage in life a little earlier than boys, McNeely says.
Rhonda Hansen, 40, is a decorated veteran of the adolescent wars. She and her husband live with their two girls in Oakdale, Calif. Her oldest daughter, Sara, already in a college-bound program, is 14, and her younger daughter, Hanna, is 8. She says that even with the "good" girls, those battles can be trying.
"My daughter wants her independence. She doesn't like the fact that I have to take her everywhere and I need to know where she is," Hansen says.
Gender difference
"We tend to worry about our girls more," says Penny Lane, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Modesto, Calif. "It's harder to let go of our daughters because they are women, they face safety and social issues that boys don't at the preteen age -- and no one knows the dangers and pressures young girls face better than an older woman."
For many reasons, says Cherise Nixon, the preteen years are a strained and yet exciting time for mothers and daughters.
"Think of where these two women are in this critical developmental stage: The preteen daughter is peaking cognitively, physically and emotionally. She has everything to look forward to," says Nixon, a developmental psychologist who studies adolescence and a board member of The Ophelia Project (a women's interest research group) in Erie, Pa.
"Mom is usually approaching her 40s. ... She has aging issues and she's at a point in her life where she's made her choices and wondering, is this all there is?"'
And because of the emphasis placed on adolescence and its issues, the issues that moms face -- midlife, not being trained to deal with conflict and current issues involved with raising a 21st-century preteen -- are too often ignored, Nixon says.
In addition, moms tend to underestimate how important they are to their daughters. They even become shy about active parenting for fear of causing alienation by "interfering."
Results of research
"Our research shows that moms have a far greater effect on their daughter's behavior than they do on their son's behavior. The reality is, moms are crucial to their daughters," McNeely says, "and when you get the daughters away from the moms, they will openly admit this."
Mariah Gullatt, 13, of Modesto, has no problem detailing how her mom gets on her case a lot: "She's after me every day to clean my room and she's always asking me about homework, how's school, are you ready for your test, stuff like that," she says. "But my dad doesn't live with us. She's doing this by herself. That's what she's supposed to do."
Says Mariah's mother, Janie Bell, 37: "I have noticed that Mariah is becoming more independent each year. I have three boys, but Mariah is much more questioning and I often have to tell her there are no unilateral decisions. We do fight. It's not fun."
What most moms aren't told, Nixon insists, is that mothers who fight with their preteen daughters are ensuring healthy female development.
"That horrible fighting allows girls to assert their independence, while at the same time maintaining the safety of connectedness to the mother," says Nixon. "It's better for the two women to air and resolve the problems, often. It's much better than if the daughter withdraws or just says fine, whatever, and doesn't express conflict at all."
Most moms are heartened to hear this.
"I wish my mother had let me argue with her more, so I learned that it's not something you have to avoid," Stalis says. "It's hard to let your kid be mad at you. But it's necessary."
"Too many well-meaning moms try to be their child's friend," Lane says. "It's critical that moms lay down the law, especially with preteens."
Increasingly, modern moms agree -- and admit -- that they are going to meddle all they want.
Mariah Bell wants to be a professional basketball player.
"Personally and professionally, she will grow to be her own Mariah," says Janie Bell. "But right now, she's still partly my Mariah. She still needs me to be her mom."