When using a poker face, all bets are off

LOS ANGELES TIMES
In established relationships the dynamic of emotional expression is different. Partners or friends who know each other well often see through the veil to the underlying emotion. Still, suppression can be corrosive -- on both parties involved.
In a study due out later this year, psychologists at Stanford and the University of Washington present evidence that helps explain why. They recruited 86 college-aged couples in steady relationships and observed each pair discussing an issue that had previously caused them tension, such as money or commitment.
In about a third of the couples, one partner was instructed to suppress all emotion during the talk, draining all feeling from their speech, expressions and tone of voice. The other couples either discussed their problems freely or were directed to stay upbeat while talking.
Effect
Interviewing the men and women afterward, the psychologists found that suppression had a curious effect on memory. Compared to the others, the suppressers had more distinct recollection of how they felt during the conversation: They vividly recalled emotions such as dread or shame. This is not entirely unexpected; interrupting a thought or an expression is known to enhance the memory of it, according to Nicholas Christenfeld, a research psychologist at the University of California, San Diego.
But maintaining the mask also distracted people in the study from what their partner was saying, the psychologists found. When asked a week later to recall what was said during the conversation, the suppressers remembered about 20 percent less than the others did. In short, sustaining a poker face had turned their attention inward, on their own emotions and away from the shared, spoken conversation.
Negative tactic
It doesn't take a doctorate degree in psychology to know that blanking out key portions of important conversations isn't exactly endearing to a beloved partner. After all, the purpose of such talks is to shape future behavior, said Jane Richards, a psychologist at the University of Washington and the study's lead author. If you can't remember which of your habits are most offensive and divisive, you're not going to change them, she points out.
The blank look also puts a cold shudder into any intimate connection. In several long-term investigations, John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington, and Robert Levenson, of University of California, Berkeley, have shown that one communication habit that's closely associated with marital dissatisfaction is "stonewalling": a combination of distraction, deflection and emotional distance many people deploy to avoid difficult discussions.
This is how the poker face can play out in a marriage. If both partners are practiced stonewallers and equally happy to ignore problems, the relationship may endure, Gottman has shown. But very often marriages hit the rocks when one spouse can no longer tolerate the distancing evasions of the other, he reports.