DAVID WATERS Religious activity 'bad'; doing God's will 'good'

Has your church ever been tempted to become a government contractor? Thanks to a mighty stroke from President Bush's pen recently, now it can.
Millions of dollars in federal funds are now available to churches (hereafter known as faith-based organizations).
Federal programs can be complicated and cumbersome. Being a government contractor can be an ordeal.
Fear not. The federal government has a handy brochure to answer any questions your faith-based organization might have. It's called "Guidance to Faith-Based and Community Organizations on Partnering with the Federal Government," or GTFBACOOPWTFG for short.
You might want to get a bunch of copies and put them in your pew racks, next to your Bibles and hymnals. These handy government brochures, written in a language akin to English, let your congregation know how it can serve God and mammon.
Translating the text
Some excerpts: "The United States Supreme Court has ruled that faith-based organizations may not use direct government support to support 'inherently religious' activities."
See, it's a lot like English.
"Don't be put off by the term 'inherently religious' -- it's simply a phrase that has been used by the courts in church-state cases."
Pay no attention to the man behind the black robe.
"Basically, it means you can not use any part of a direct federal grant to fund religious worship, instruction or proselytization (sic)."
Worship, Sunday school, preaching -- those would be inherently religious functions.
"Instead, organizations may use government money only to support the non-religious social services that they provide."
Helping the poor, the sick, the imprisoned, widows and orphans -- those would be inherently non-religious functions.
"Therefore, faith-based organizations that receive direct government funds should take steps to separate, in time or location, their inherently religious activities from the government-funded services that they offer."
Here to praise and worship God, form a line over here. Here to serve God, form a line over there.
"If, for example, your church receives federal money to help unemployed people improve their job skills, you may conduct this program in a room in the church hall and still have a Bible study taking place in another room in the same hall (but no federal money can be used to conduct the Bible study)."
Here to study the Bible, please go to room A. Here to apply the Bible, please go to room B.
Golden rules
"Or a faith-based social service provider may conduct its programs in the same room that it uses to conduct religious activities, so long as its government-funded services and its religious activities are held at different times."
Today's topic in fellowship hall: "Luke 6:31." Tomorrow's topic in fellowship hall: "The Golden Rule."
"A minister may teach an anger management seminar to ex-offenders as part of a federal grant. But the minister must keep his or her teaching on the subject of anger management separate from his church duties and preaching responsibilities."
With this offer, all references to Matthew 5 are null and void.
"If someone asks you about your personal faith while you are providing a government-funded service, you may answer briefly. But if you wish to have a longer discussion on matters of faith, you should set up a time to speak with that person later."
Give a man a fish, OK. Teach a man to fish, not OK.
Sleeping in church
"A church that receives direct government aid to provide shelter to homeless individuals may not require those individuals to attend a Bible study or participate in a prayer preceding a meal ... but they may invite those individuals to join them, so long as they make clear that their participation is optional."
Our Father, which art in Washington.
"You may also keep your organization's name even if it includes religious words, and you may include religious references in your organization's mission statements."
One Congregation, Under God.
"If you have any questions, you should check with the official who administers your federal funds."
I think his name is Caesar.
XDavid Waters writes for The Commercial Appeal in Memphis, Tenn.