BILL TAMMEUS Not all the talk in '03 was brilliant

Say what you want about 2003, a lot of people said what they wanted in it. And some of what they said was memorable for its astonishing stupidity, awkward charm, engaging strangeness or remarkable lack of clarity. So I've rounded up some of the year's best quotes and I offer them on the theory that next year people won't say such goofy things. Ha.
U"They are sick in their minds. ... There is no presence of American infidels in the city of Baghdad at all." -- former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, my favorite flak not only of 2003 but of my life.
USome looters in Baghdad at the start of the war. You go down in history if looters start thanking you.
U"Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Saddam Hussein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity." -- my man al-Sahhaf again. Any comment I'd offer about these words would detract from the fabulous wonkiness of them. Maybe Saddam will comment at his trial.
U"I speak better English than this villain Bush." -- al-Sahhaf. Oh, OK, I'll give him this one.
U"It's easier to train someone to fly an F-14 than it is to speak Arabic." -- Kevin Hendzel, spokesman for the American Translators Association, describing why there aren't enough Arabic-English translators in Iraq. It's also easier to teach someone to fly an F-14 than it is to speak or write English good. Er, well.
U"We do have weather in our forecast." -- Julie Broski, a Kansas City television weathercaster. How deeply reassuring.
U"This Schulz probably grew up taking part in noisy burping contests after drinking gigantic amounts of beer and gorging himself on fried potatoes." -- Stefano Stefani, Italian undersecretary for tourism, describing a German official in the European Parliament with whom he had exchanged insults. What's so bad about Schulz? On lots of college campuses, such guys are heroes.
U"I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman." -- Arnold Schwarzenegger. California, he's yours now. Keep him.
U"I'll do what men do, and she should do what women do." -- Fulton Allem, PGA golfer, talking about Annika Sorenstam, who competed against all men in the Colonial PGA tournament this year. Sorrenstam shot a 71 the first day, Allem a 75. Open mouth, insert putter.
U"In Beverly Hills, they have real jewelry and fake people. In West Virginia, we have fake jewelry but real people." -- Cecil B. Roberts, United Mine Workers president, talking about "The Real Beverly Hillbillies," a proposed CBS reality show. Yes, but one of the fake people out Beverly Hills way is a real governor now.
U"I'm making a conscious decision to take this whole Judaism thing seriously. I think the Jews need me right now." -- Geraldo Rivera, discussing why he's being married in a synagogue. He's wrong. No group of people is that desperate.
U"I think people in Hong Kong are looking better now that they're wearing masks." -- Jane Chan, a marketing executive, talking about people protecting themselves from SARS. And many marketing executives look better when you can't see them at all.
U"[Johnny Unitas] remains dead and did not celebrate his 70th birthday." -- a correction in the Philadelphia Daily News. Others who remain dead: Calvin Coolidge, Elvis Presley, Howard Hughes ...
U"I will not have any disparaging remarks about him except I hate him." -- William Schaefer, former Maryland governor, talking about Parris Glendening, his successor. He's right. That remark disparages Schaefer, not Glendening.
U"Free nations do not attack their neighbors." -- Bush. Right. They try to pick fights outside their neighborhoods.
U"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me because, as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know." -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Finally, someone in the administration who understands things.
X Bill Tammeus is an editorial page columnist for The Kansas City Star. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.