JOHN ROSEMOND | Parenting Ease up on discipline during the holidays

Q. After a particularly bad week in school, our 6-year-old lost TV for a month. His younger brother hasn't lost his TV privilege, so our older son goes to his room while the TV is on. We have managed to make this work, and the 6-year-old understands the lesson. We're going to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Christmas week, however, and they don't want us to enforce this at their house over the holiday. We believe the lesson learned will be diminished if we waive it for the visit. Are we going overboard on this?
A. Yes, you're going overboard. It would be impolite and create tension for all concerned if you carried this punishment to the grandparents' home during what is supposed to be a joyous time. In this case, the spirit of Christmas trumps the letter of your law.
Therefore, my recommendation is that you suspend this punishment during the visit. In fact, I advise that you commute your son's sentence. When you leave for the grandparents' home, the punishment is over and does not resume when you go back home. Hey, we're talking about Christmas! Let's lighten up, everyone!
Scary thought
Q. Our 4-year-old son, Bobby, is scared of the idea of Santa coming to our house. The thought of some guy, even if he is jolly and bearing gifts, sneaking into the house at night does not sit well with him at all. We don't know the best way to handle this situation: On one hand, it's just Santa and he may grow out of it. On the other hand, my son is scared and I'm not sure the Santa thing is worth that much anguish. Suggestions?
A. Tell your son you wrote a letter to Santa asking him what to do, and he wrote you back! Then read "Santa's letter" to him: "Dear Bobby, I understand that you are afraid of me. That's all right. I don't want you to be afraid, so instead of coming to your house this year, I'm going to leave all your toys at your dad's office. After you go to bed on Christmas Eve, your dad will go get the toys and bring them back to your house so you can have fun on Christmas morning. I love you, Santa."
And yes, your son will probably grow out of this around the same time he realizes there is no Santa.
No Santa?
Q. Is it time to tell our 10-year-old that there is no Santa Claus? Shouldn't we tell him before he finds out from his friends? If so, how?
A. Personally, I believe in letting a child realize this on his or her own and then taking the opportunity to help the child understand what Santa is all about in the first place. Our children came to us when they were 9 and 6 and told us they had found out there was no Santa Claus. We told them that Santa Claus was a symbol, not a real human being; nonetheless, we said, we should believe in him and always practice what he represents: charity, unconditional love and generosity.
The real shame is not that Santa isn't a real person; the real shame is that many people get in touch with their "inner Santa" only once a year.
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th Street, Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his Web site: www.rosemond.com/.