KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox 'Steven' doesn't appreciate the life he has with her

Dear Annie: I have been married to "Steven" for 23 years. We both work full time now, although we have a traditional marriage and for many years I was a stay-at-home mother. Our 21-year-old daughter lives with us.
The problem is, Steven is not happy. He puts up a good front, but he admitted 10 years ago that he never has been in love with me. We went for counseling briefly and tried marriage retreats, but we couldn't connect in a deep way.
Five years ago, Steven met a woman with whom he shared all the feelings he never had for me. I chose not to interfere with this extramarital affair because I thought it was helping Steven. When Steven wanted a divorce, however, we went for counseling again in an attempt to salvage our marriage.
Steven now says he wants to work it out, but I am convinced he is only going through the motions because he is afraid our daughter will never speak to him again if he divorces me. He's probably right. Our daughter has had problems in the past, and she is struggling to be more independent. I fear a divorce will cause her to lose respect for her father and she will never recover.
I still love Steven, but I am tired of feeling that I am not good enough for him and angry that he cannot seem to realize what a worthwhile life he has with me. Please advise me. St. Petersburg, Fla.
Dear St. Petersburg: You cannot make Steven appreciate the life he has with you, and waiting for him to come around is like beating your head against a wall. If you still want him, even though he is in love with someone else, continue with counseling. You must decide if this illusory marriage is worth maintaining for the sake of your grown daughter. It certainly isn't doing much for you or Steven.
Dear Annie: Thank you for telling "Fed Up Stepmom" not to give up. She said her 14-year-old stepson was impossible and had behavior problems at school. My stepson, "Jon," came to us at age 12, after his mother gave up on him. Jon lied, stole and worse. We put him in therapy, and I practiced tough love, reinforcing his responsibility for his actions but assuring him I would always be there for him.
Two years ago, this "son of my heart" thanked me. He believes he might be dead if I hadn't stuck it out. As hard as it is for "Stepmom," she can take a break from his problems. He must live with himself every moment. Been There
Dear Been There: Thank you for the encouragement. Here's one more:
Dear Annie: This 14-year-old stepson could very well be suffering from a mental illness. I am the assistant director of a support group for parents of children like this. In the last five to 10 years, it has been recognized that such behavior can be a symptom of ADHD or bipolar disorder. In many cases, medication is necessary.
I strongly recommend that this boy be seen by a child and adolescent psychiatrist. (This is a medical doctor specializing in psychiatry with additional training in child and adolescent disorders.) If the family cannot afford it, they should request an IEP (Individual Education Plan) meeting with the school and ask for neuropsychological testing.
For more information on these conditions, your readers can visit bpkids.org (Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation), www.nami.org (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) and www.nimh.nih.gov (National Mental Health Institute). The sooner this child receives medical treatment, the better the outcome will be. Janet Williams, POWER (Parents Offering Wisdom Enrichment and Resources), Jacksonville, Fla.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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