DEBORA SHAULIS | On the Scene All I want for Christmas is a spell check that works

You know Dasher and Dancer and Springer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Sandler and Blitzen ...
Oops. Darn that spell check program. It points out some "questionable spellings" and offers alternatives. If you aren't careful at the keyboard, it'll replace what you typed with its own suggestions. Next thing you know, your favorite story takes a strange twist.
Nonetheless, let's proceed with an excerpt from that time-honored holiday poem, Clement Moore's "A Visit From St. Nicholas." You remember, "'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house," yada, yada, yada ...
"When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in moment it must be St. Nick
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Springer and Vixen,
On Comet, on Cupid, on Sandler and Blitzen
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"
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At which point Springer replies, "Hey Santa, can't that wait until commercial break? I'm talking to Vixen, who's keeping a secret from her husband that concerns his best friend."
The other reindeer chant: "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!"
Except for Sandler, the comedian of the bunch, who shouts: "You won't let me sing my Hanukkah song but you want me to help pull your sleigh? Go jump in a hot chimney, tubby!"
No kids will be getting any toys if this nonsense continues. Let's start again. Roll the highlights. Night before Christmas, miniature sleigh, eight tiny reindeer, St. Nick, etc.:
"Now Dasher, now Dancer, now McNair and Vixen,
On Comet, on Cupid, on Evander and Blitzen,
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"
McNair, who's called Steve by his Mom and "Air" by his buddies, can't stay quiet. "Coach, if the line moves that far, we'll be penalized for illegal man down field! Let me call this play. Wide right, Z fly. And watch out for those Eagles, they'll be blitzin'."
"Huh?" says Blitzen, who wonders if he's a victim of identity theft.
Evander -- who's wearing red trunks with green trim and is ready to rumble -- adds: "I'll knock 'em out in five."
Smelling salts on Christmas Eve? Heaven forbid. Rewind, please.
Rockin' reindeer
"Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Pantera and Vixen,
On Comet, on Cupid, on Vedder and Blitzen,
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"
The sound of Santa's sleigh bells are drowned out as Pantera -- four reindeer, not one -- launches into a loud, screeching, depressing rock song. Not to be outdone, Vedder cues his traveling band, which he named after his grandmother's homemade preserves, and begins to moan something about some kid named Jeremy who spoke up in class today.
Santa doesn't need a glass of milk right now. He needs a double Scotch.
I worked with some other holiday stories, but spell check converted Kris Kringle to Kris Borgnine -- as in Ernest Borgnine, the movie actor who once won an Oscar for playing a homely, lonely Bronx butcher named Marty. How cheery is that?
Then it changed Scrooge's first name from Ebenezer to Belzer -- as in Richard, the acerbic comedian and pseudo-detective on NBC's "Law & amp; Order: Special Victim's Unit." I doubt he'd be moved by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future.
Hey, Santa. I'm buying the first round. And could you put me on your list for a new spell check program? Thanks, big guy.
XDebora Shaulis is entertainment editor. Write her at shaulis@vindy.com.