BARTON GOLDSMITH Humor helps couples live better

Joanne Woodward, who is married to Paul Newman, said, "Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat!"
In a business where unsuccessful marriages are the norm, she and her husband have not just stayed together, they are a glowing example of a great relationship. Being able to laugh with each other seems like a big part of that.
Having a sense of humor will not only help you love better, it will help you live better. We all know that laughter and joy will lower stress, and people with good attitudes tend to live longer than those who are anxious or depressed. It only makes sense that those couples who can crack each other up would have happier and more successful relationships.
It also is important to note that people have different tastes and values when it comes to humor. What makes one person laugh may actually offend someone else. If you're seeing someone who makes "off-color" remarks that raise the hair on the back of your neck, you may not be seeing the right person. If you're in a committed relationship with a person who thinks he or she is funny, but you don't, it's best to let that person know how you feel.
Hopefully you're comfortable enough with your partner that the two of you can talk about this or anything else about your respective personalities that isn't fully understood or appreciated.
Hurtful humor
It is wise to remember that humor can be biting, especially if one is prone to sarcasm or putdowns. Such humor can actually hurt someone you love. So be careful that you don't make your loved one the brunt of your humor. In the long term, this will only damage a relationship.
Some people actually use humor as an excuse to be verbally hurtful. If that is going on in your life, you need to put a stop to it. The pain you are giving -- or receiving -- will corrode your love and turn your life into a constant catfight. Relationships are meant to be comfort zones, not war zones, and humor is not a weapon.
If you find that you resort to this tactic as a means of self-protection, your communication skills need a tune-up. If you neglect this, you are setting yourself up for trouble.
Once you have created a balanced sense of humor in your relationship, you will find the positive effects are far-reaching. Laughter is the best medicine; it may also be the best aphrodisiac. Couples who laugh a lot seem to have healthy sex lives, as well as healthier relationships. The benefits are as endless as the jokes on " I Love Lucy." Treat yourself and your partner to the joys that can only come from living with someone who makes you laugh to tears.
Here's a thought: This evening, instead of saying your usual good-nights, try whispering into your loved one's ear, "Did you hear the one about ..."
XBarton Goldsmith, Ph.D., has practiced in Westlake Village, Calif., for a decade. Contact him at barton@emotionalfitness.net.