KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox Brother-in-law's comments were very crude

Dear Annie: I have been married to "Tom" for three years, and last year was the first time we spent the holidays with his family. After a lovely dinner, my brother-in-law, "Dick," began to make very crude sexual comments to me, right in front of Tom and Dick's wife, "Jane," neither of whom said anything.
I was stunned into silence, but later Tom and I argued at length about Dick's behavior. I told Tom I expected him to stand up for me and that if he did not, I would tell Dick exactly how I felt about his remarks. Tom thinks I should just accept it as a personality quirk and ignore it since we only see them once a year.
We will be spending the holidays with Tom's family again this year, and while I do not want to cause a scene or create a rift in the family (Jane is a sweetheart), I do not intend to be sexually harassed again. My plan is to say, "Dick, please don't talk to me like that. It makes me very uncomfortable." If he continues, I will leave.
Do you think I should try to take Dick aside before I say this, or should I just stop him as soon as he starts, even if it's in front of Jane or Tom? Harassed in Los Angeles
Dear Harassed: Hopefully, Dick has cleaned up his act since last year. However, if he hasn't, tell him you find such comments offensive, and feel free to chastise him gently in front of the entire family. If sweetness and humor don't help, let him have it with both barrels, and tell Tom you expect him to back you up.
Dear Annie: I am replying to "Torn in the Midwest," whose 15-year-old stepson molested her 10-year-old daughter. My 17-year-old son molested my 12-year-old daughter. She told a school counselor, who told the police.
There were no charges pressed against my son, but the policeman followed his progress through eight months of counseling with a therapist who specialized in this type of problem. His sister also had counseling. It wasn't easy or inexpensive, but the counseling was worth it. The counselor said hormones rage in adolescents, and unfortunately, abuse can occur. My son didn't realize he was hurting his sister. Now, years later, my daughter was able to say to me, "Mom, everyone makes mistakes."
I thank God for those wise people who intervened and helped us. My son is now 31, has a good job and a steady girlfriend. My daughter is 26, married and expecting her first child. The two of them are friends, and our family was left intact.
Tell "Torn" to support her daughter who needs her, and her stepson who may need her just as much. My best to her. Idaho Mom
Dear Idaho Mom: Bless you for sharing your own traumatic experience to help others with the same problem. Here's one more on the subject:
Dear Annie: I wanted to commend you for your advice to "Torn in the Midwest." I work with child victims of sexual abuse and their families, and I feel the advice you gave was exemplary. Child molestation is more common than most people would like to think, and the person who molests the child is often someone the child loves and trusts.
I would like to offer two additional pieces of advice: Parents of children who are sexually abused often feel isolated, because they do not believe others understand what they are going through. Please suggest "Torn" look into support groups for parents whose children have been molested. Also, the parents should seek out the services of a local child advocacy center to receive counseling for them and for their daughter. The location of the nearest Child Advocacy Center can be found online at the National Children's Alliance Web site (nca-online.org). A Child Advocate
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