BARTON GOLDSMITH | Relationships Dealing with changes is vital to growing

Encountering change within relationships, even very little changes, can create incredible anxiety. When old rules no longer work, people can feel helpless, abandoned or out of control. This can create a great deal of fear and anger. When you are in a relationship that is not working and where change is needed, it can make you feel irrational and even cause destructive behavior.
The first step in dealing with change is to find the source of the discomfort. Those feelings could be the result of fear, abandonment, insecurity, misunderstanding or just plain laziness. Examine yourself and talk with your partner. Try to identify and write down some of what you are feeling.
This will make your emotions clearer and give you a starting point to begin a gentle discussion of what needs to change.
Remember to note how the discussion is making you feel and what other emotions are coming to light.
Who is that person?
In all relationships we naturally grow and change, and so do our dreams. Those changes are often conscious choices or willing sacrifices we have made in the course of our lives. One example is setting aside the dream of playing in a rock band to hold down a good job and raise a family; another is choosing to work as a legal secretary and become a "soccer mom" rather than lead the life of a high-powered attorney. These are conscious choices; each can also be described as a willing sacrifice.
As we grow and change, we sometimes wake up one day and truly do not recognize the person we have become, or the person we are with. At that point, our choices may seem more like sacrifices. This may lead us to blame our partner for not allowing us to follow our original dreams.
The belief that we have made a sacrifice may cause real difficulty, while truly knowing we have made a conscious choice resolves that inner conflict. This understanding creates a safety zone for couples to deal with feelings about their lives and each other.
Raising children, dealing with financial frustrations and planning for retirement are examples of what most people see as reasons for making changes.
What we often fail to see is that change is a natural process that comes as our relationships, spirits and bodies mature. Whether we like it or not, partners need to be mirrors for each other, to identify the changes that are needed in order to secure future happiness. Change has been described as the only constant in the universe. Change happens, and it's usually a good thing because it is necessary for growth.
XBarton Goldsmith has resided and practiced in Westlake Village, Calif., for a decade. Contact him at barton(at)emotionalfitness.net.