JOHN ROSEMOND | Parenting 'Family bed' habit: more chaos than cozy
Q. My 2-year-old grandson has slept with his parents since he was born, but with the birth of a third child (he has a 4-year-old sister), he moved to a bed of his own in an adjoining room. Since he refuses to cooperate in the new sleeping arrangements, either my son or daughter-in-law rocks him to sleep, which might take an hour or more.
Then, without fail, he wakes up in the middle of the night and goes to his parents' bed where the new baby is sleeping.
The parents try to make him go back to his bed, but oftentimes, the father goes to the other room to sleep. At other times, the 2-year-old wakes up his older sister and they wake up the entire house. What can a grandma do?
A. Let this be a lesson to all who are reading this. While the "family bed" may seem warm and fuzzy, it often devolves into chaos of this sort. If this 2-year-old had been trained to sleep in his own bed since birth, this would not be happening.
Assuming no other behavior problems had developed, he'd be a well-adjusted child who was perfectly content with a room and a bed of his own.
Despite the claims of family bed advocates, not one study done by an objective researcher has demonstrated benefit to the children so bedded. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends against the practice, noting that infants are sometimes smothered by parents who inadvertently roll over on them.
Rarely do I meet a father who has initiated this unnecessary practice. It's nearly always the mother's call, and the mother in question is almost invariably one who has bought into the propaganda that bedding with her child promotes mother-child bonding.
Here's the problem
There are no two ways about it. A child who sleeps with his parents develops a dependency upon sleeping with his parents, one that comes back to haunt all concerned when the parents decide the child's presence in the bed has become inconvenient.
Meanwhile, this child has been deprived of the inestimable benefit of learning that he was not a member of the wedding, that the marriage is not a threesome.
During my private-practice years, I saw a lot of these kids. They were, as a rule, not happy campers. The parents in the question above are obviously slow learners, as they're making the same mistake with the newborn.
What can Grandma do to help? While she's waiting for her son and daughter-in-law to come to their senses, she might consider cutting out this column and mailing it to them in a plain brown envelope.
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th Street, Suite 26B, Indianapolis, Ind. 46240 and at his Web site: http://www.rosemond.com/.