KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Neat freak's obsession is driving her crazy
Dear Annie: My husband, "Elton," is a neat freak in the extreme. Nothing is ever clean enough for him, and he is getting worse every day. Now he withholds all affection if the house isn't up to his standards. This means if he sees even one speck of dust or lint, he loses his ability to function as a human being.
Elton was so obsessive at a recent family party that the relatives now refuse to come back to our house. He kept telling everyone not to spill drinks on the carpet or throw the silverware in the trash. By constantly reminding people not to do things they would never do in the first place, he makes everyone feel like an idiot.
I have told Elton he is compulsive, but he disagrees. I am at the end of my rope. I refuse to lose my family because of Elton's behavior. What should I do? End of the Line in Michigan
Dear Michigan: You already know that Elton is obsessive-compulsive. A combination of medication and therapy can work wonders for those who suffer from this disorder. However, he must be willing to admit he needs help. Please contact the Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation Inc., 337 Notch Hill Rd., North Branford, Conn. 06471 (ocfoundation.org), and ask for assistance. Meanwhile, if your family members are unable to be more tolerant of Elton's idiosyncrasies, visit the relatives without him.
Dear Annie: My 86-year-old widowed father-in-law stays with us for months at a time. I know how much it means to my husband that his dad visits, but Dad makes my life miserable when he is here. He is irritable and "waiting to die." He starts sentences with "I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but . . . " and then proceeds to tell me how I do things incorrectly. I try to show respect for the man, but I can no longer tolerate him for such long periods of time.
Last night, Dad called and said he would not be returning next year because he feels "unwanted." He told me he was uncomfortable with the way our house is run, specifically that my husband did "typical" wifely chores, like cooking and cleaning. I felt horrible that he was unhappy and apologized profusely. I told him he was certainly welcome here any time.
Now I'm afraid we will convince him to visit again and nothing will be resolved. What should I do? Distraught in the South
Dear Distraught: You have the perfect, guilt-free opportunity to fix this situation. Now would be a good time to suggest that Dad limit his visits to, say, a week at a time (or as long as you can manage). Tell him it will allow you to remain close, while keeping his discomfort at a manageable level. If he refuses, offer instead to visit Dad in his natural habitat. You can then stay as short a time as you wish, preferably in a nearby hotel.
Dear Annie: Would you please tell people who want to make donations in someone's honor to find out what charities or organizations the person supports? A friend made a donation for my 70th birthday and, despite knowing that the Alzheimer's Association is my favorite charity, he made a donation to some obscure fund in his house of worship.
While I appreciate any gift, large or small, this one has no significance for me. I'll send a thank-you note, but I'm not sure what for. Puzzled in Iowa
Dear Iowa: It is always more meaningful for the giver to make a donation to the honoree's favorite charity, rather than his or her own. If you don't know the person's favorite charity, ask someone who does.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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