KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox 'Billy's' lack of ambition is affecting marriage

Dear Annie: I've been married to "Billy" for 16 years. During that time, my salary has quadrupled, and we've been able to afford a nice home and a part-time housekeeper. Billy, however, is earning close to the same amount he did when I first met him. He has had opportunities for advancement but "doesn't want to take the chance." He was out of work for two years and could have retrained in his field, but didn't bother.
I might put up with his lack of ambition, but our sex life also is lousy. When I became pregnant years ago, Billy decided it was weird to have sex with me carrying his child. Our son is now 14, and Billy's sexual interest has never recovered. Believe me, Annie, I have tried everything. Billy has so many excuses to avoid sex that he must keep a list in his pocket. He is in total denial that he might be the problem, and absolutely refuses to see a doctor or a therapist.
My main concern is our son. I see him falling into the same behavior patterns as his father and would like to get him away from Billy's influence. Should I get a divorce and bail out of this mess? I don't want to lose my home and pay alimony to a man who needs it only because he has no motivation. Meanwhile, Billy's health isn't great, and his family members have a history of dying in their 50s. Waiting until then seems like a rather grim alternative. Any suggestions? Hanging by a Thread
Dear Thread: Lack of ambition is a negative factor in many marriages, but combined with a lack of intimacy, even strong marriages can sink. It is also possible that Billy is equally miserable and, contemplating a short future, depressed as well.
Since he refuses to get help for himself, please get counseling on your own and decide what course of action will be best for you and your son. Divorce can be quite rough on kids (and even separated, your son will still be influenced by his father).
Dear Annie: My grandfather is in his late 60s and recently lost his female companion, who also did the cooking and cleaning. My wife and I try to look out for him as much as possible. We fix his dinner twice a week and take him to lunch every Sunday after church.
Gramps never learned to cook and has no desire to start now. However, when I drop by his place, I find nothing but cookies, chips, pretzels and other junk food. Gramps would get upset if I offered to do his grocery shopping, but I can't get over there every day to make sure he is eating well. How can I make sure he is getting the proper nutrients? I want to keep him around for a long time. Worried in Michigan
Dear Worried: You sound like a loving grandson, but you cannot force Gramps to eat healthier. It would be OK, however, to pick up a few nutritious things for him next time you are at the grocery store. Tell him there was a sale on oranges or broccoli and you thought he might like some. Also, look into the available senior social services in his area and Meals on Wheels (mowaa.org).
Dear Annie: Why do so many people have big church weddings and even wear white for second, third and fourth marriages? I have always thought that both were inappropriate. Am I behind the times? Curious in New Lenox, Ill.
Dear New Lenox: Most etiquette books say second, third and fourth marriages should be low-key affairs. However, we believe any couple willing to tie the knot should be given some latitude when it comes to style. It's not worth arguing over what color the bride (or groom) wears, and if the couple decides to have a big blast, we only hope they can afford it.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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