BREAKING ENGAGEMENTS

By ROXANNE ROBERTS
WASHINGTON POST
F EVERYTHING HAD GONE AS PLANNED, Rachel Safier would have celebrated her second anniversary this summer. Over a romantic dinner, she and her husband would have laughed about the pre-wedding jitters -- the day when she threw her engagement ring on the bed, tossed clothes into a bag and barreled out the door.
Except for the wedding, that's pretty much how it happened. One minute she was engaged to be married in two weeks; the next, she was an ex-fianc & eacute;e. She looked for a book to help her through this heartbreaking time but couldn't find one. So she wrote it herself: "There Goes the Bride" -- a survival guide to the messy etiquette of broken engagements. What to do with the ring, the dress, the caterer, the presents, the parents, the pain, the ex.
"It's just this terrible irony: this traumatic and horrible time in your life, and there are all these things to do to unplan a wedding," says Safier. "It's pretty much the last thing on Earth you want to do."
Growing doubts
They were, after all, planning to spend their lives together. She's a writer; he's a teacher. They dated 10 months, and he proposed on one knee in a sculpture garden. They were engaged for another 10 months. They bought a house in Washington together, shared a dog. But the closer they got to the wedding date, the more secret doubts she had, although it was her fianc & eacute; who actually broke the engagement. They haven't spoken since that day two years ago, except for e-mails to settle financial details.
There are no official statistics on engagements, but Safier (using premarital counseling data) estimates that up to 20 percent of engaged couples call it off before the wedding -- about 500,000 people a year. That's an awful lot of canceled receptions, unworn dresses, heartbroken jilters and jiltees.
And plenty of women asking, "Do I have to give back the ring?"
Safier, 33, looks almost too relaxed and happy. If she harbors any lingering bitterness, it doesn't show. Her book is dedicated to "the man I almost married: I hope that you, too, have come through this tough time stronger, happier, and better than you were before. I wish you a very happy life."
There are no further details. Safier refuses to publicly name him in the book or in interviews.
Written for women
The book is ... well, it's a chick book. It's for Almost Brides (Safier's term), by Almost Brides. There's no male point of view because she started writing two days after the breakup. "At that time, I couldn't have cared less," she says. "It sort of started as a 'You go, girl -- I got through it; you can, too.' "
It's a chick book because women usually feel responsible when relationships go wrong and obsess about the when, why and what-ifs. Guys are more likely to stare blankly at ESPN SportsCenter than read a self-help book. "Men tend to go into their cave and not discuss it," she says. Safier's cousin, who called off his own wedding a couple of years earlier, phoned when he heard about her breakup.
"Bobby, what do I do?" she wailed.
"Go to Vegas," he told her. "That helped me."
That was, of course, the last thing she wanted to do. During her engagement, Safier logged on regularly to the popular Internet wedding site The Knot for ideas and advice. So it was natural to look there for other Almosts when she decided to write about it. In the end, 62 twentysomethings shared their stories for the book; two-thirds were the ones to ultimately break off their engagements. None left her fianc & eacute; at the altar or was left there herself, but one wedding was called off just a week before the ceremony:
U"I knew something was wrong when I didn't feel the least bit happy about what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life." -- Laura
U"I realized that it would not work. I took my engagement ring off. Looked him squarely in the eye and threw the ring at his head. Told him to go get & amp;$ed and walked out. Not very ladylike but I felt much better." -- Andrea
The closer to the wedding date, the greater the pressure to go through with it. Who wants to embarrass herself publicly? Or waste all that money? It's easy, Safier says, to dismiss real doubts as pre-wedding stress. Every married couple has a story -- a huge fight before the ceremony over the color of the Jordan almonds or something equally silly. When Safier started losing weight and getting migraines, she fought back the feeling that this marriage was wrong. Safier's mom reassured her: "Oh, everyone gets cold feet!"
Do the right thing
Yes, you have to give back the ring. Even if he broke the engagement.
"It's the menschy thing to do; it's the right, kind thing to do," Safier says.
It's also the legal thing to do. Most judges consider the ring property of the man if he paid for it. But plenty of Almosts believe they deserve to keep the diamonds because their exes were such jerks -- or words to that effect:
U"Kept mine, and four years later he still bugs me for it back! I am planning on selling it soon." -- Joan.
U"Took it off the minute we were finished talking and never put it back on or took a second look at it. Rudely, he also wanted a diamond necklace he got me, but I told him that was a gift and there was no way." -- Lynn
The law is less clear regarding other expenses. The closer to the wedding date, the less chance of a refund of deposit money from the band, reception site, caterer and photographer.
Spreading the word
Safier was expecting more than 150 people to attend the celebration. She sent a mass e-mail to her friends announcing the cancellation, following up with formal announcement cards to all the guests. Her reception site refunded the entire deposit. But the couple still lost "several thousand" by calling it off.
Safier's ex was more than fair and generous. "He was very kind and mature about everything. He was a model ex-fianc & eacute;."
Safier received an e-mail recently from an Almost Bride who needed advice: Her bridesmaids wanted to be reimbursed for their dresses and the cost of the shower they gave for her.
"I said, 'If you want to stay friends with them, you could consider giving them back the money that they spent on the dresses. If you want to stay friends with them, realizing that they are cheap and possibly even jerks, then yes, you can reimburse them for the shower. Otherwise, you don't have to.'"
Safier has become the engagement expert, the Queen of hits and not-quite-Mrs. This being high wedding season, there are lots of interviews, plus her Web site, theregoesthebride.com, and another book in the works: "How Not to Get Married Just Yet."
Still hopeful
She would like to get hitched -- eventually. "I do want to get married," she says. Her parents were married for 38 happy years until her father died this spring. "I am pro the right marriage. So, yes, I want to get married -- but only if I find that connection."
She's already got the dress: a $1,200 wedding gown that was waiting to be picked up just before her wedding day. Would she wear it for her next one?
"No one else I know has said yes to that question -- but yes." She ticks off the reasons: Her fianc & eacute; never saw it, it's beautiful -- and besides, she couldn't return it because it was taken in for her increasingly nerve-racked body. She could have resold or consigned it but decided to keep it instead.
Speaking of weddings: Safier's ex-fianc & eacute; just got married last weekend. At least, that's what she heard through the grapevine.
Unless ... nah.