KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox He has had it with his mother-in-law's demands

Dear Annie: For 40 years, I have been the son-in-law of the Mother-In-Law from Hell. My wife is wonderful, but her mother never wanted us to marry. She felt I was not good enough, or rich enough, to support her daughter in the style in which she was raised.
My mother-in-law likes to spend money as if there were no tomorrow. When my father-in-law passed away, he left her quite well provided for. However, she ignored the advice of money managers and her daughter, and thanks to extremely poor money management skills, she is now forced to live on Social Security and a small pension. She borrows from everyone and never pays it back.
We have a child with a permanent disability, and we need whatever extra cash we have for medical expenses. My wife is a teacher, and I am retired, living on a pension. My mother-in-law phones daily to complain and demand money. My wife has high blood pressure, and these calls are causing tremendous stress.
I have had it with this 86-year-old woman and her constant demands. Can you offer any advice? Sonny Boy
Dear Sonny: How does your wife feel about this situation? You will need her support, and possibly therapy, to change the dynamics between the family members.
Meanwhile, it sounds as if Mom could benefit from having a financial counselor look into her situation and set up a budget. She may not be cooperative, but at least you will have made the effort. For information, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the National Foundation for Credit Counseling, 801 Roeder Road, Suite 900, Silver Spring, Md. 20910, (800) 388-2227 (www.nfcc.org).
Dear Annie: I have been friends with "Sara" for over 20 years. My 2-year-old's birthday party was scheduled for the same day as Sara's wedding anniversary. I told Sara about the party two months in advance, and she said she wasn't sure she could make it because she wanted to celebrate with her husband. I told her there were more than enough hours in the day to celebrate both, but she obviously disagreed because she decided to spend the whole day with her husband at a resort.
This is the second party in a row that Sara has missed. I gave her ample time to figure out a way to come, and I also let her know her presence at my daughter's party was important to me. I am ready to throw away the friendship because of this slight. Am I wrong? Hurt and Confused in New York
Dear Confused: Yes, quite wrong. While it was nice of you to give Sara advance warning, you should not consider the events of equal importance. One's wedding anniversary, and the opportunity to spend it at a resort with one's husband, takes precedence over a friend's daughter's second birthday party.
A true friend would be happy that Sara could enjoy a lovely day with her husband. If at all possible, next year, schedule your daughter's party on a different weekend. Sara will appreciate your thoughtfulness and be more likely to attend.
Dear Annie: My wife informed me of her affair five years after it happened. Happily, we will be celebrating our 32nd anniversary this year, but even though I have been able to forgive, I have never been able to forget. I still spend many hours trying to understand how she could have done this to me. You were right, Annie. For God's sake, never tell your spouse about your affair. Forgiven but Never Forgotten
Dear Forgiven: Thanks for the back-up. If you think a little counseling would help you let go of this, please give it a try.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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