An ode to NFL: the No Fun League

"QB, or not QB: that is the question.
"Whether 'tis better in the formation to batter the line by White and Green towards the end zone; Or to take arms against a two-deep zone, and by opposing ends?
"To fly pattern, to deep [route], perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub."
(With all due apologies to Mr. Shakespeare -- who I'm pretty sure never did come up with an effective game plan against the zone blitz.)
What, in the name of Daryl Lamonica, aka, The Mad Bomber, is going on?
Upon further review ...
There's plenty to dislike about the National Football League: the outrageous salaries, the back-stabbing, the constant whining and cheating -- and that's just in the elevator to the corporate loges.
As for the "action" on the field, well, let's just say, if the players moved it as well as the scantily-clad, silicone-injected, high-kicking "cheerleaders" on the sidelines, the scoreboards would need room for three numbers.
(Hold that thought -- we now pause for a video review ... brought to you by caffeine, the unofficial amphetamine of, well, me. Based on the video replay -- watched over and over again, real slow -- not all cheerleaders in the NFL are scantily-clad or silicone-injected. The networks are awarded one more mind-numbing timeout, from which we will return to video of scantily-clad and silicone-injected cheerleaders.)
The phrase "corporate greed" (television timeout) may not have originated in the NFL (television timeout) but in the last 20 years (television timeout) the personnel in the offices at 280 Park Avenue, New York (television timeout) have taken it to an unprecedented level.
Moss a poster boy
Want to know another problem I have with the NFL? A player can be fined thousands of dollars because his socks aren't the right height or his shirttail was hanging out on one play, but Randy Moss can play a few days after being arrested on driving charges.
(In case you were wondering, yes, we believe Moss when he says the marijuana cigarette in his Lexus isn't his, because Randy has a loooooong history of telling the truth.)
Moss (whose interpretation of the international sign for "no left turn" is evidently "drive forward until you hit something ... or someone") never had any reason to suspect his employers, the Minnesota Vikings (whose color scheme should be purple and gold, with a yellow streak down their jersey backs), would fine, suspend or otherwise punish him. And he went out Sunday night and rewarded their loyalty by dropping a bushel-full of passes in the end zone.
(Just a moment -- we have a request for a review of that previous sentence ... brought to you by Tolstoy's "War and Peace," which you can read cover to cover while you wait for us to make a decision. Upon further review, Moss actually dropped a boat-load of passes in the end zone.)
Moss may be the poster boy for the league-wide "Me First" attitude but he's not alone.
In the 1970s, there was the Miami Dolphins' "No Name Defense" and the Steelers' "Iron Curtain." For the life of me, I can't think of one group name among today's teams -- unless you consider the Bengals' moniker (The Absolute Worst Football Team in the History of Mankind) as semi-official.
In baseball, they used to have the "cookie-cutter stadiums"; in the NFL, they have cookie-cutter offenses -- one looks just like any other.
At least we had the Rams' stretch-the-field offense to enjoy for a few years, but with their 0-4 start -- probably 0-5 after today -- that kind of thinking will go the way of making our kids read Shakespeare in literature class.
XRob Todor is sports editor of The Vindicator. Write to him at todor@vindy.com.